Loneliness: My Constant Companion

Ever since I was a tiny child I have yearned for a playmate (back then it took the form of wanting a twin, then it was desiring a boyfriend as soon as I knew boys existed). Then as I grew up the term "best friend" entered the equation. I remember that in every year of school I had one or two very close friends (starting in second grade an onward), but I was an extremely social child. This was due in major part because school forced us together and I had many extracurricular after school as well. And I had my very social mother who would introduce me to new playmates or adopt new mommy friends who had daughters my age. I don't remember being lonely as a child because I was in constant (and I do mean constant) contact with a friend. I recall coming home directly after school and calling preferred friend #1 and asking to go over, or them come to my house. If they couldn't play, I then proceeded down my list of friends until someone could. It was rare that I ever had no one to play with. I still prayed excessively for a little sister, and finally got one at age 7.5... and that age gap was too great to play with her (until very recently, because as adults age matters less).

I want to have a nerd herd so desperately (perhaps my desperation is the problem?), but it feels like such an impossible task. I see the articles about people who have at least one close friend live longer, and those without die younger. I see how important a support system is and it is an oppressive cloud hanging over my head. How does one go about looking for like-minded people? I cannot find who I’m looking for, and those I have found have left by and large. I feel abandoned (even though I know not one of them did it on purpose), it is my curse to find a friend, become close and then watch them depart to bigger and better things. I have even begun mentioning to my new friends my curse, and they then reassure me that they’re not going anywhere in the foreseeable future… and less than a year later they are gone. This is not only military members (who have taken two of my close friends far, far away), but regular teaching positions or other job opportunities elsewhere. It definitely is my anathema.

The very worst part is that I have found the ultimate friends, the ones where we “click” and are great matches… that hurts all the more when I’m alone, and makes me devalue friendships who I see more as “placeholders” until the “worthier” friendships come along. When you’ve had a taste of perfection, it is hard to be as satisfied with less. That makes me sound like a completely awful individual, but there it is. That is me. I’m a perfectionist in everything, friendships included. It is not a lack of people who like me, it is a lack of people I truly like and who click with me on that once thought unattainable level.

I have decided this is something I will be tormented with until I move away from here. There are zero opportunities here, for me or for my friends. We are bound for superior places! I just wish that they were all in the SAME superior place. I want to be able to see my friends frequently, like once a week!

It struck me in my counseling class, when we were counseling each other and we were to use a real issue, that I have been so utterly lonely. I guess looking back that I could not stand the loneliness. I do like to be alone and can find great enjoyment singularly, but it does not compare to the perpetual playmates I had as a child. I’ve grown accustomed to using several things to help me when I’m lonely, I turn to all sorts of distractions ranging from healthy: reading, videogames, internet articles; to more unhealthy: borderline obsessive Facebook stalking, eating too much, etc.

I think the major loneliness survival tool has been eating. I do not eat anything at all when severely depressed, but I overeat when I’m anxious or lonely… which I feel incessantly.  At least now that I have noticed this behavior I can ask myself if I am truly hungry or if it is something else. I always have heard of emotional eating, and that term didn’t fit me because I eat less when I’m happy (but I also share happiness, I like to go out and do things when I’m in a good mood), but being sad does not change how much I eat, only the change in presence of others makes me eat more, like when I’m understimulated and alone. It apparently is something I do when bored and lonely, something that I enjoy that passes the time (and not all that much time typically, that is why I over eat, to get more of that happy fulfilled feeling). I think now that I’m aware I can work on it, and notice the true reason I eat. But I still need to work on accepting that major friendships will be fleeting or hope I can take root somewhere someday where like-minded individuals live so I can be in semi-constant contact with them. 

Self-Esteem and Societal Norms

Why does it seem to be a "radical" idea to be at peace with yourself? To have good self-esteem and love who you are as a person, and not care what others think of you? It is the media, this society we live in that has spread the nonsense that we need things to like ourselves, or worse, that we are not good enough and should refrain from liking ourselves in the first place. I do not like that we are constantly bombarded with the notion that we are not, nor cannot be, whole on our own. I love who I am, I feel you are damn lucky to know me, and for that I open myself up to criticism on a large scale. Women are not allowed within society to take a complement, it is considered rude. At the same time we are expected to be a doormat and respond to men who catcall us*. Women are expected to be not bold and fearless, but timid and shy, acquiescing to others' desires and never speaking up for their own or else they are being a b-word.

Why is it threatening to some people to have a woman be strong? What is so scary about a female having all the abilities and strength (which are considered the domain of a man)? How is that a threat to anyone? On that point, why is equality in any form a threat?  How is my making the same amount of money as a male in a job that that I am equally as qualified for a bad thing? Do people fear women making money, because that makes us less dependent upon men? Surely that is not the case, surely that is an archaic idea!

Do you believe women are as smart as men? Do you like that you have the right to vote? Do you like not being legally your husband's property? Do you like owning your own property as a woman? Do you enjoy having any rights at all? Do you believe men should be allowed to cry and not feel as if they are "less manly"? Do you believe men should be allowed to pursue their dreams, no matter if they do not fit gender stereotypes? If you answered yes to any of those questions you ARE in fact a FEMINIST. #sorrynotsorry I really rebel against injustice and being told I am inferior to anyone. If that makes me combative at times, than it is for the greater good. I will not apologize for striving to make others' lives and my own better by pursuing equality.

On the topic of femininity, that does not have to clash with strength. You can be a bold strong person and rock a lot of polka dots, lace, ruffles and bows. Being a feminist means allowing women and men the choice to be whoever they want to be and not judging them for their choice. It means allowing men the room to cry and feel emotions, because they have them and it should be fine to express them. It is all about the options, the choices we have, or perceive we have. The saying "Don't be such a girl" is demeaning to women, and I hear women say it to their sons! How, as a woman, can you say that?! Do you not hear yourself? You are putting yourself down as you demean and dismiss your son's valid emotions.

The message is to be who you want to be, be the person who makes you happy regardless of what anyone else thinks or says as long as you are not harming others'. Be true, be you and help those less fortunate.

It amazes me how blind people can be when they do not want to see something. How so many people believe that the issues women (and men) face all the time are not a reality. Just because you've been fortunate and have not encountered the prejudices that others have does not mean that they do not happen. Just because you haven't been discriminated against due to your religion, gender, sexual preference, or the color of your skin doesn't mean others have been so blessed. It is like saying that there is no racism because you have not seen it or experienced it yourself. It is like you ignore that portion of the population that has been judged or treated unfairly because it does not apply directly to you. How will you feel when someone someday treats you like you are worthless because of some part of you you have no control over? How will you feel when your daughter is beaten up by her boyfriend and accepts it because you never told her she was worth something as a woman? Protecting our girls should be something we can do by building them up, letting them be who they are and supporting their self-esteem and standing up for women's rights. The time is now, what are you doing about it?







*A catcall is demeaning and is not a complement, it is a bogus show of dominance over a woman and it is frankly quite frightening.