I just wanted to blog about my life right now, and for once it isn't at all about Mike (but in case you wondered, we are doing great). I am totally and utterly in a state of not knowing what I want out of life. I don't know what I want to major in, and I don't even have the tiniest of inklings as to what career might fit me. I am at a loss. Also, the more I think about it I am so very glad that I am not married right now, and that I don't have kids. No offense to all my wonderful friends who are married mothers, it just is such a relief to be young. I like sleeping all day and not having the responsibility of getting up for a crying child. Also, I can't afford to be married right now, I am barely (and by that I do mean barely) making the monthly bills that I have with the job I have now. I am thankful I don't have anyone besides myself to look after. It is so much less stressful this way.
I know for a fact that if I moved out I'd be totally responsible for my car (I pay half of the monthly payment now and my mom pays the other half. What sucks about that is the driving time isn't even close to equal, my mom drives 95% of the time and I never get the car to myself. Ever.) which financially I cannot handle without help or another job so in that way, living at home is a blessing. To top it off, when I do move out (some years and years in the future it seems), I have ot get insurance too, so yet another bill. For now I am less financially burdened and essentially still young.
I like being young right now, it is nice, so nice, to be able to enjoy things for myself and have less responsiblities. I only wish I could get my act together and figure out what I want. I know what I want out of some things, but school and career-wise I am still stuck. I feel the tide moving and I can tell that within a year I'll need to figure it all out. I'll need to transfer to a university and grow up some, and it is my choice as to how much I'll be an adult. I could move out of state and live on campus, which would let me live the college life before I settle down (personally I really love this idea, but some things are holding me back). Or I could go to ENMU which is the "safe" choice. My life wouldn't grow and I'd be still living the same life as I am now essentially. The only difference would be location. What it comes down to is fear, I am so afraid to grow up. I am afraid to leave home and be responsible for myself without anyone telling me what to do or when to do it. I like rules and I like (as well as hate) being taken care of by my family. I get babied and treated like a child in some cases and it is getting more annoying as time goes on and yet I must like it or I wouldn't tolerate it would I?
Then there is the potential to leave New Mexico in the next year. I would like the challenge of a new place and a new university but it tears me up to think about leaving my family (and I've heard half a dozen times "they'll be there when you get back". But I don't want to waste time away when life is so precious and you don't know how much time you are given with those you love!). It also scares the begesus out of me to be totally independent and have to fend for myself. I am afraid of having all those extra bills I mentioned and I am afraid of the "what ifs". Like what if I get sick? I have no insurance and how would I handle that with no one to depend on but myself? How would I pay medical bills? How could I have a job that demanded any more of me than the one I have currently (which honestly demands very, very little) and still be able to pass classes? About classes, what if the classes at a university are much more difficult than what I am used to? Can I handle all of that compounded or would I drop out?
It scares me to think of the downside to leaving. With all those negatives isn't it much easier to not grow up and keep things the same? The answer is "yes" it is much easier to be stagnant... So where does that leave me? Scared and alone or safe and bored to death?
In the same way that all the adult-type things scare me, marriage sort of does too because in essence, wouldn't getting married be the same as moving away from my family and being entirely independent save for a husband? It is generally the very same and it is similarly scary. If I have to grow up then (and I think I do) do I go for it or hold on to my youth as long as possible?