So this is a blog a long time coming, and here it goes. I haven't told more than a handful of my friends, and so basically only family knows. Mike and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year now, and in January I found out why it wasn't happening as easy as I thought is should. My doctor told me that I have problems with ovulation (as seen by me taking my own basal body temperature*), as in I kind of don't ovulate. At least not normally, and in the past 6 months, my charts have made it evident that I perhaps have only ovulated 2 times, once in November and once just last month.
This is really, really hard for me. I have been more than desperate to have another baby since Mairead was 9 months old. It has always been my dream to have two little girls under two years apart, and I have three friends who all have been blessed with *exactly* that. It kills me every time I see them living my dream. I know people say that often siblings hate being so close in age to one another, but I look at the bonds twins have and I must say that it doesn't have to be that way. When I was a child all I wanted was a twin, and I still wish I had one. Someone who was a friend when you had no other. I didn't have my little sister until I was already 7.5, and that sucks. It isn't fun being an 8-year-old and having a little baby around, they are not fun, they can't talk or play or be on your same level at all. I never wanted that for my kids, I wanted them to have siblings under two years younger, to be like having a twin. I don't want them to have to wait until they are adults to get along and have things in common!
People keep telling me ignorant things like "be patient" or "it'll happen when it is supposed to happen" or the worst one "at least you have a baby now", which is precisely the reason I want another one NOW! I don't want words that mean nothing, I want a baby! I hate that I cannot do anything to fix this, save for spend money we don't have on fertility drugs and testing. We are stuck. Mike doesn't feel the extreme need I have to get pregnant, like, yesterday, he has a more "it'll happen when it is supposed to" outlook, which drives me nuts sometimes because it hurts me so much to wait while it seems not to bother him. It isn't like we aren't actively trying, but even with perfect timing the chances of a healthy woman conceiving is only 20% per month. We have so little of a chance, Mairead really was a blessing and a miracle. It still breaks my heart every time month when I am not pregnant, even with the charts telling me that I couldn't have conceived I still have hope in vain that we'll have a miracle again. And then I cry myself to sleep for nights on end until it is time to try again.
If you are the praying sort, I would ask you if you might pray that we get pregnant and soon, before I give up hope, because this is the hardest thing I've ever had to wait for.
*for those of you who don't know, that is taking your temperature every morning first thing, and charting it to see when your temperature rises. When it has risen and stays risen it means you have ovulated. You're supposed to do this for a few months to see your own pattern and then you can sort of plot when to try to get pregnant. If your temperature doesn't rise, or goes up and down, that means that you didn't ovulate that month.