Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Battling Food Addiction

I think about food, at minimum, 4 times an hour. If there is a lull in my work, my conversations, or my mind wanders for a second I obsess about food. It is constantly on my mind, and it has only been since I began counting calories, and paying attention to what I eat and how much, that I realized it was a problem. 

I'm in a constant state of desiring food, even if I just ate and should be full. It took me about a month to know what actual hunger felt like. I was so used to just using the excuse that "life is too short to count calories", that I didn't know what feeling full was. I still don't ever feel satisfied, I always desire more because I love the taste. It takes so much effort to limit my intake and stick to it. I fail most days to stay under 1700 calories, but my new way of life diet still is drastically less than I was putting into my body. If I go over 200 calories, I'm still at least under 1000 less than I was eating daily before I started. 

So there it is, I was eating 3000 plus calories on average EACH DAY. I miss being allowed to eat all I wanted of whatever I wanted, but I know it is psychologically unhealthy, beyond being physically unhealthy. It has been 4-5 months and it was easier at first, of course, but I know it'll probably always be a constant battle, but I hope it someday isn't. 

Being addicted to food is terribly hard. It isn't like I can just quit eating cold turkey. I wish i could! I'm going to be brutally honest, I envy the thought of being able to have enough self control to just not eat, like anorexic. I lack that drive and determination and I have to struggle everyday to balance not feeling deprived (which is the biggest reason people fail on diets) and staying under 1700. I love food too much! 

I wish I could just stop eating when I'm full. It is so hard for me to recognize the feeling in the first place, let alone have the will power to stop if there is food left on my plate. I have a hatred for wasting food, and how wasteful America is, so I try to eat everything on my plate.   

Portions are so hard too! The food I want most typically has the most calories, and I'm not full (or don't feel satisfied) eating the correct portion. I try to use smaller plates and try to limit going back for seconds (and if I do, getting less than the fist go). 

I do know a lot, if not most, is psychological. I think while I'm eating, "is this enough to feel full? Am I full but only WANT more? If I stop eating now will I feel full enough to last with no snacking until dinner?" Etcetera. I don't have a healthy relationship with food, I am utterly obsessed. I wish I knew someone who had defeated their addiction to food! Also I wish to know someone who is predisposed to obesity but eats well and stays slim so I could learn healthy eating habits. A major problem is my picky eating (and, no, I can't simply just try new things. Not can I "snap out of it" if I wanted to). I have a very limited set of select items I can eat without involuntarily throwing up. Yes, it is that dramatic. I cannot eat certain foods without the reaction of gagging so hard I vomit. I've tried, and once again, it is psychological, but so be it. Apparently I'm in need if heavy duty therapy! Ha ha! 

The one positive is I don't emotionally eat, at least not to an unhealthy level. I like to celebrate with food, and occasionally cheer myself up with food, but I don't eat worse things than I normally would. It becomes a spending issue because in both those cases I want to go out to dinner, but I'm still careful about what I eat. 

I have, however, lost a total of 19 pounds now. It seems ludicrously slow going, but it is coming off. Only 70 more lbs to go!