Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Spring Update

We moved into our new apartment the first of April (and therefore, have lived there approximately 1 month now). It is really great to have our own space, with our own things, together as a family at last! Mike and I were married an entire year (and 2 weeks) when we finally got the news we could move in. Mairéad has her own room, which she loves, and says she won’t mind sharing with the new baby (which, funnily enough, she has not gender preference on, unlike her mother J , she simply wants a “baby”, with whom to read to and teach things to, isn’t that too cute?!)

I, on the other hand, am so conflicted about finding out the baby’s gender at the end of the month (May 31st,  when I’ll be 24 weeks along), because I know one way I’ll be very disappointed and all my dreams and hopes will be dashed. On the other hand, if we found out then maybe that would give me time to adjust to the news? Maybe, maybe not. My feeling is that I’ll love the baby when I meet them and the gender will matter less (at least I hope it would) after they are born. I’ve been trying to get Mike to agree with me to not find out the gender (since for one thing, we’ll get better, more useful gifts if clothing is off the table. And because by 24 weeks, we’ll only have 15 weeks left (at the most) before the baby arrives).

I am sure some people think I’m being silly about the gender thing, but it may break my heart if Mairéad doesn’t have a sister close to her age. If not this time, she’ll never have a sister to be friends with, they will be far too far apart in age to be friends***. This is the only chance to have two little girls who are close enough in age to perhaps be friends and have things in common. I speak from experience, it was hard praying for years and years as a child myself for a sister. I anticipated someone to play with, someone who would talk to me and have games, etc. Well by the time I got a sister I was almost 7.5 years old, and by the time Samantha was the age to play with, I was the age that didn’t play like she did anymore. Now at 25 and 18 we are starting to get along an have more interests in common, but we could have been so much closer so much sooner if we’d been born closer in age. A son would be fine next time, as long as this one is a girl. I don’t know how to parent a boy, but after two kids I’m sure I could handle all the boy energy, ha ha! I know sisters and brothers can have a bond, but it wouldn’t be like having a sister. I guess I’m projecting all my childhood hopes of having a twin sister on Mairéad, and she’ll probably be happy either way, but this irrational desire for another daughter will not cease. I’ve dreamed of two daughters (close in age as I could manage), for my whole  life. I hope you can sympathize and understand where my hopes and fears in this respect come from at least.

***(Considering it took us 21 months to get pregnant this time, and it won’t be easier the next time, plus the 9 months gestation, that means of we tried to have another baby right after this one, and we were blessed to have the same time-line, the next one would be here in 2.5 years, and Mairéad would be at least 5 and a half years old before the next one came along, and even then, it may not be a girl).

Pregnancy So Far.. At 20 weeks 

I love being pregnant, it is so much better now that I can feel the baby move sometimes. (The nerve damage from the Caesarean Section inhibits me from feeling some movement, but I’m sure once the baby is bigger, I’ll feel them all the time!) This pregnancy has been different from the last one with Mairéad in a number of ways; this time I wasn’t certain of feeling movement until 18 weeks, whereas with Mairéad I was certain at 13 weeks.

With Mairéad I was so bonded the instant I knew I was pregnant, and this one seems surreal and disconnected. It may be because I haven’t felt as much movement, I hope I bond with this baby as much as when I was pregnant with Mairéad. It might also be that I don’t have the time this time to think about this baby like I did with Mairéad (I spent hours a day thinking of her).

With Mairéad I knew she was a girl from conception, and somehow Mike knew too. We just knew she was a girl, and in my mind, there was no other option, she *had* to be a girl, ha ha! This baby we do not know, and we couldn’t even guess it! My first pregnancy was easy, and the only drawbacks were in the third trimester, my back hurt and my legs swelled (a lot). This time by the second trimester I’ve been hurting, and it isn’t getting better. So much pressure! But I am happy, I know I prayed fervently for years for this baby, so I have no right to complain at all.

With Mairéad I dreaded her birth, not because of the typical reasons, I wasn’t afraid of the pain I was so sad that she wouldn’t be with me constantly anymore. I knew I’d miss her little kicks and punches, I’d miss her hiccups and I knew she’d never be with me like that ever again. It depressed the heck out of me to have her separate from me and that is why I dreaded her birth. This time I know a little more of what to expect. I will hate that part of the birth, but I’ll probably like meeting this one more than I liked it with Mairéad. With her it was like meeting someone I’d never met and losing the child I’d bonded with for 9 months. It was hard for me to love her at first, it took me a little while to re-bond with her. She wasn’t what I expected (whatever that may have been). This time I sort of am maybe distancing myself from bonding with this baby, maybe subconsciously, because it would be sad to have to fall in love with this one after they were born because they were different than I expected and had learned to love in the womb. I am betting it won’t happen like that twice though, because I know more what to expect this time around. Pluse I look forward so much to Mairéad meeting this sibling and watching them love each other and interact. I look forward to their bonding, and that only will truly come after the baby arrives. So I guess I don’t “dread” this birth (yet, lol), I actually look forward to it in its own due time J