Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Loving Life (Most of the Time)

I am trying really hard to put a happy spin on everything that I am going through. I actually feel blissfully happy sometimes in all honesty but there are times, usually when I have less to do to keep me busy, when I succumb to the sadness. I feel sad sometimes because I miss having the one person I could tell anything to, I miss having someone there who could make me smile even when no one else can. I miss having someone to turn to on days like today when I am just horridly bored and in a semi-depressed mood who I could call and just talk to. I miss the best-friendship of what I had a month ago. I miss just hanging out and playing videogames with someone. I miss having a friend that is always there for me and who wanted to see me, who sought out my company. I just miss those things.

I am in no way looking to jump into a rebound relationship. Nope, not this time. Not saying I am not dating casually if someone were to ask, but it isn’t my focus. I am letting God bring the people I need in my life to me, and I am keeping an open heart. I just really need a friend who wants me around and can sympathize with what I am going through. I need a friend who likes to do things I like to do. I liked having someone to turn to that I felt would always be there, and now I feel like I am doing stunts without the safety net. I miss the feeling of knowing that someone wasn’t going to let me down this time (even though I did get let down). It just sucks.

On happier notes, I have found some new friends and some old friends who I have reconnected with. They make me really happy, so happy in fact that I find myself smiling for no reason at all when I get to be with any one of them. This is what I need. I am so glad I have it, even if I don’t get it all of the time. Maybe in time these friends will be my new best friends who actually want me around. I just have the “woe-is-me” attitude that makes me sometimes feel like no one wants me around because I sometimes go weeks without talking to any given person. Maybe it is my fault though, but at times I feel unlovable.

Back on subject, I love my church friends! I’ve missed good clean fun, and I didn’t even realize it until recently! I love that last night I was invited to a spur-of-the-moment “going to the movies” with friends. I can’t even tell you when someone last invited me spur-of-the-moment to anything! It was a very welcome pleasant surprise! I was just being bored at home when I got a call and instantly had plans! I loved being thought of, I feel like it has been a while since people thought of me to invite me to something. I liked it, and I hope I can be someone people want around again some time soon. It is nice to be single for that, because I didn’t have plans I got to do some pretty awesome things that last few days. All I can do is thank God for it, he brought my life to this point and is helping me get back on my feet.

Also I had plans spur-of-the-moment on Sunday too. I met a new person, and had more fun doing nothing much than I’ve had in ages. Then on Monday I had plans with the Young Single Adult group from my church and that was fun too, even though we all didn’t quite do anything, it was nice to get out of my house and socialize.

See? I told you I’ve been happy, but today after all the fun, normal life seems dull. And too much time to think about things I’ve been avoiding make me feel down. *sigh* Whoo, I feel better now, I needed to update my blog and I needed to get some of that out. The point of this: Call me, if you are at all bored, need a good listener or just want to hang out because there is a good chance that I really would love to spend time with you!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A New Beginning and a Bittersweet End

Long and short of it: I am single again. I didn't really feel like broadcasting it though. It is a long story, but the jist is Mike just didn't want a commitment right now. He wanted a "break" but he told me he wouldn't promise me that we'd ever get back together. He also said that he doesn’t want to date anyone at all, just be free pretty much. He them promised we'd be friends, as in really friends and hang out, but then said it was "too soon". I don't want to date someone who doesn't want me anyway. I hope that someday we really can be friends, but right now he cannot handle it for whatever reason. We still care for one another, there wasn't anything wrong and it isn't some messy thing.

Don’t ask how I am doing, I am totally fine I assure you. Really and truly, I am happy and not sitting around moping. I’ve met some new friends at church! I am really thrilled about them, I missed being part of a group and having people around me that aren’t so worldly. I missed God a lot too, I’ve been slacking in that department for a while now and I discovered that the only way I am ever going to get what I want and be totally happy is to fall in love with God and let him take my worries and cares. Ever since then I’ve felt alive again. I am not waiting around like a pathetic puppy, I am living and making new friends. I am so blessed! If I didn’t have God and the gospel in my life I would be such a mess right now, but I know that everything I want I’ll receive as long as I put God first. I can achieve my wildest dreams and I don’t have to compromise! It is such a wonderful revelation and feeling.