Loving Life (Most of the Time)

I am trying really hard to put a happy spin on everything that I am going through. I actually feel blissfully happy sometimes in all honesty but there are times, usually when I have less to do to keep me busy, when I succumb to the sadness. I feel sad sometimes because I miss having the one person I could tell anything to, I miss having someone there who could make me smile even when no one else can. I miss having someone to turn to on days like today when I am just horridly bored and in a semi-depressed mood who I could call and just talk to. I miss the best-friendship of what I had a month ago. I miss just hanging out and playing videogames with someone. I miss having a friend that is always there for me and who wanted to see me, who sought out my company. I just miss those things.

I am in no way looking to jump into a rebound relationship. Nope, not this time. Not saying I am not dating casually if someone were to ask, but it isn’t my focus. I am letting God bring the people I need in my life to me, and I am keeping an open heart. I just really need a friend who wants me around and can sympathize with what I am going through. I need a friend who likes to do things I like to do. I liked having someone to turn to that I felt would always be there, and now I feel like I am doing stunts without the safety net. I miss the feeling of knowing that someone wasn’t going to let me down this time (even though I did get let down). It just sucks.

On happier notes, I have found some new friends and some old friends who I have reconnected with. They make me really happy, so happy in fact that I find myself smiling for no reason at all when I get to be with any one of them. This is what I need. I am so glad I have it, even if I don’t get it all of the time. Maybe in time these friends will be my new best friends who actually want me around. I just have the “woe-is-me” attitude that makes me sometimes feel like no one wants me around because I sometimes go weeks without talking to any given person. Maybe it is my fault though, but at times I feel unlovable.

Back on subject, I love my church friends! I’ve missed good clean fun, and I didn’t even realize it until recently! I love that last night I was invited to a spur-of-the-moment “going to the movies” with friends. I can’t even tell you when someone last invited me spur-of-the-moment to anything! It was a very welcome pleasant surprise! I was just being bored at home when I got a call and instantly had plans! I loved being thought of, I feel like it has been a while since people thought of me to invite me to something. I liked it, and I hope I can be someone people want around again some time soon. It is nice to be single for that, because I didn’t have plans I got to do some pretty awesome things that last few days. All I can do is thank God for it, he brought my life to this point and is helping me get back on my feet.

Also I had plans spur-of-the-moment on Sunday too. I met a new person, and had more fun doing nothing much than I’ve had in ages. Then on Monday I had plans with the Young Single Adult group from my church and that was fun too, even though we all didn’t quite do anything, it was nice to get out of my house and socialize.

See? I told you I’ve been happy, but today after all the fun, normal life seems dull. And too much time to think about things I’ve been avoiding make me feel down. *sigh* Whoo, I feel better now, I needed to update my blog and I needed to get some of that out. The point of this: Call me, if you are at all bored, need a good listener or just want to hang out because there is a good chance that I really would love to spend time with you!

A New Beginning and a Bittersweet End

Long and short of it: I am single again. I didn't really feel like broadcasting it though. It is a long story, but the jist is Mike just didn't want a commitment right now. He wanted a "break" but he told me he wouldn't promise me that we'd ever get back together. He also said that he doesn’t want to date anyone at all, just be free pretty much. He them promised we'd be friends, as in really friends and hang out, but then said it was "too soon". I don't want to date someone who doesn't want me anyway. I hope that someday we really can be friends, but right now he cannot handle it for whatever reason. We still care for one another, there wasn't anything wrong and it isn't some messy thing.

Don’t ask how I am doing, I am totally fine I assure you. Really and truly, I am happy and not sitting around moping. I’ve met some new friends at church! I am really thrilled about them, I missed being part of a group and having people around me that aren’t so worldly. I missed God a lot too, I’ve been slacking in that department for a while now and I discovered that the only way I am ever going to get what I want and be totally happy is to fall in love with God and let him take my worries and cares. Ever since then I’ve felt alive again. I am not waiting around like a pathetic puppy, I am living and making new friends. I am so blessed! If I didn’t have God and the gospel in my life I would be such a mess right now, but I know that everything I want I’ll receive as long as I put God first. I can achieve my wildest dreams and I don’t have to compromise! It is such a wonderful revelation and feeling.

Adulthood And The Fears That Come With It

I just wanted to blog about my life right now, and for once it isn't at all about Mike (but in case you wondered, we are doing great). I am totally and utterly in a state of not knowing what I want out of life. I don't know what I want to major in, and I don't even have the tiniest of inklings as to what career might fit me. I am at a loss. Also, the more I think about it I am so very glad that I am not married right now, and that I don't have kids. No offense to all my wonderful friends who are married mothers, it just is such a relief to be young. I like sleeping all day and not having the responsibility of getting up for a crying child. Also, I can't afford to be married right now, I am barely (and by that I do mean barely) making the monthly bills that I have with the job I have now. I am thankful I don't have anyone besides myself to look after. It is so much less stressful this way.

I know for a fact that if I moved out I'd be totally responsible for my car (I pay half of the monthly payment now and my mom pays the other half. What sucks about that is the driving time isn't even close to equal, my mom drives 95% of the time and I never get the car to myself. Ever.) which financially I cannot handle without help or another job so in that way, living at home is a blessing. To top it off, when I do move out (some years and years in the future it seems), I have ot get insurance too, so yet another bill. For now I am less financially burdened and essentially still young.

I like being young right now, it is nice, so nice, to be able to enjoy things for myself and have less responsiblities. I only wish I could get my act together and figure out what I want. I know what I want out of some things, but school and career-wise I am still stuck. I feel the tide moving and I can tell that within a year I'll need to figure it all out. I'll need to transfer to a university and grow up some, and it is my choice as to how much I'll be an adult. I could move out of state and live on campus, which would let me live the college life before I settle down (personally I really love this idea, but some things are holding me back). Or I could go to ENMU which is the "safe" choice. My life wouldn't grow and I'd be still living the same life as I am now essentially. The only difference would be location. What it comes down to is fear, I am so afraid to grow up. I am afraid to leave home and be responsible for myself without anyone telling me what to do or when to do it. I like rules and I like (as well as hate) being taken care of by my family. I get babied and treated like a child in some cases and it is getting more annoying as time goes on and yet I must like it or I wouldn't tolerate it would I?

Then there is the potential to leave New Mexico in the next year. I would like the challenge of a new place and a new university but it tears me up to think about leaving my family (and I've heard half a dozen times "they'll be there when you get back". But I don't want to waste time away when life is so precious and you don't know how much time you are given with those you love!). It also scares the begesus out of me to be totally independent and have to fend for myself. I am afraid of having all those extra bills I mentioned and I am afraid of the "what ifs". Like what if I get sick? I have no insurance and how would I handle that with no one to depend on but myself? How would I pay medical bills? How could I have a job that demanded any more of me than the one I have currently (which honestly demands very, very little) and still be able to pass classes? About classes, what if the classes at a university are much more difficult than what I am used to? Can I handle all of that compounded or would I drop out?

It scares me to think of the downside to leaving. With all those negatives isn't it much easier to not grow up and keep things the same? The answer is "yes" it is much easier to be stagnant... So where does that leave me? Scared and alone or safe and bored to death?

In the same way that all the adult-type things scare me, marriage sort of does too because in essence, wouldn't getting married be the same as moving away from my family and being entirely independent save for a husband? It is generally the very same and it is similarly scary. If I have to grow up then (and I think I do) do I go for it or hold on to my youth as long as possible?

A Major Decision

I’ve decided I love Mike. I already have been in love with him but I have just decided what that love means and to what lengths I am willing to go for him. I am going to wait and be patient. I am going to let him have his time to figure out what he wants and whether or not he wants to ever get married. But my patience is limited, I will wait until March 15th, 2011, which is precisely our three year anniversary. If I don’t have a ring on my finger by that day, either us being engaged or us being married I am leaving. I can’t wait for the rest of my life, and I won’t waste my youth when all I want is a husband who puts me first in everything and loves me and a kids. I am not going to sit around and hope Mike figures out if he wants me or marriage after that point, it will be hard enough for me to wait the remaining year and 8 months. I think dating three years is more than generous, especially when I feel like I am putting my life on hold for him. Any comments?

How is Commitment Scary?

I am just plain lost. I am not even angry at all, just so puzzled about the behavior of men. I do not understand at all why men fear marriage. Living together? Fine. Having kids out of wedlock? Fine. Engagement? Take is easy there, that is a huge deal. Marriage? Run for the hills! It's a trap! Or so it seems to me from my experience with men. I don't know why it is that men can tell you, "I love you," or "You're my soulmate," or "You are the only one I want for the rest of my life," or "I want to grow old with you," or "I want you to be the mother of my children," and then they are afraid of the words "marriage" and "engagement"? "Commitment", no, not particularly that word, but the words that mean it and exhibit the true commitment are frightening? I am confused.

Why is it that those two words equal a reaction from a man like, "Wait, I said I want to marry you, but not now" or "Soulmate doesn't mean that I am ready to get married" or "What is the rush?". Really? I am so baffled. Please let me in on the reason that spending your lives together is not scary unless you add that a piece of paper and a formal commitment. How is that somehow so terrifying for a guy?

Another thing. What is this whole spiel on "I am still young," or "I am not ready to give up my freedom yet," What "freedom"? How on earth am I taking your freedom from you? I haven't up until now and I never intend to, so how does that apply or is it some other "freedom" of which I am unaware of? I don't get it, I really don't understand how I am somehow ruining your youth or keeping you from being anything you want to be or doing almost anything you desire. Seriously, I am at a loss.

I see so many positives to getting married and having a permanent commitment to one another but Mike see some of it but I keep hearing, "Yeah, but not now". Fine, that is perfect I doubt I could get a wedding together in 24 hours anyway. The point is that I don't want to rush, I don't even think it would be smart to get married quite yet, all I want is a timeline. Why is that so hard? I want to know if I am wasting my time and promises mean nothing. You can promise me all day long that I am the only girl for you or that no one else compares or that you'll marry me ("someday") but it all means less than nothing. How do I know for certain we shall be together? How do I know you aren't saying that to get more? Words are meaningless, show me. Promises don't mean a darn thing until I have actions to prove them. I am not saying I want to get married withing the next year, I am saying I want to in the next two and a half years. But I do want a commitment of some sort to ease my mind and to help me feel like the wait isn't for nothing and that at the end of the two and a half years I am going to still hear "I am not ready." I don't even necessarily want an engagement ring but being here in limbo makes me believe that we are growing stagnant and that the relationship is at a standstill. Relationships that don't move forward tend to die.

Points of my blog: I don't really understand men but I want to, I don't want to get married or engaged for a while, and lastly I do want a commitment or a timeline so that I keep from wasting years of my life in a relationship that may not go forward.

Hopes Dashed As Unexpectedly As They Came

So, what happened was that Mike picked me up at my house on Thursday evening after he got out of work on the drive after he got me we decided that looking at rings should be saved for Friday since more places would be open and because we’d have all day. It was mostly my idea, I didn’t want to be rushed. We went to his house where we watched TV, ate dinner with his family and then talked. So we talked about that and about the job that I’d been looking into, the one that is full time and $16,000 a year. I told Mike how I doubt I could hold a job like that where I had no time to study during work-time. I thought that I’d also go insane with the work and the lack of “me time”. I wanted to make a joint decision about it and so I asked Mike for his opinion. Mike told me to take the job and that he’d even help me study if I needed it. He suggested that I could go slow and do it one or two classes at a time. The only problem with that is that I would lose all of my financial aid forever if I drop below fulltime status for more than 6 months. I would be paying for my education out of my own pocket and that means I’d be stuck in that job that was supposed to be a temporary situation. It is a job on contract for a year and if I stopped going to school for a year then I’d have to eventually find a similar job with similar or better pay in order to keep going to school. To me it seemed impossible to balance a fulltime job with and education, especially one if I were going to school fulltime too.

Like I said before, Mike said he’d help me out in any way he could to help me and he told me to take the job if I was offered it. I told him I would, he’d make it all better I could tell. We talked about this house that is across from mine that is for sale. It is $44,900 and two bedrooms. It is small but for a starting place, it would be perfect for Mike and I. I mentioned to Mike that my mom had got us an appointment to look at the house on Friday at 1:30. Mike said that that was cool and that we should go look at it if for no other reason than to get to know better what we like. With the job I could afford the house and the payments on my car, and a wedding! The job was sounding more and more appealing even if I might have to drop out of school for an indefinite amount of time. So then we discussed that we were going to look at banks and rings on Friday. I stated, “Wow, tomorrow looks like a very grown-up day! Are you scared?” and Mike said, “Yes,” I was rather surprised that he was or that he was honest so I just told him I was glad he was honest and laughed it off. But I think he was seriously scared. He started asking me, “When would we have to make a move on the house?” and I told him that we would have to soon, like within a month.

Things somehow got stressful from here. The conversation turned and he told me that he didn’t think that it was doable no matter if I had to job or not. He backed out of the conversation and confused the hell out of me. He told me that he would know within a year if he wanted to marry me or when but the house wasn’t going to wait for that. I was hurt, last he’d told me was that we’d be married in a year! When did his blunt statement while he gazed deeply in my eyes while holding my face between his palms so that I knew he was dead serious of “I want to marry you in the next year,” become false? I have told him time and time again that I wasn’t in a rush and that I wouldn’t rush him at all. He should never ever have told me that he wanted to marry me this year if he didn’t mean it. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to get far away from him.

Mike took me home and at my house I interrogated him about why he now didn’t want to marry me in the next year. He told me that he never meant it that way that he only meant that he would know by then if he wanted to marry me or when. I felt awful. He told me that he would know in a year if it was right or something along those lines. He said that he wasn’t sure if he
wanted to “give up his freedom” or something. I felt tears burning in my eyes and I bluntly said that I wasn’t going to take the damn job and give up my freedom if he wasn’t interested in giving up his. Why should I invest my life and money into something that “may or may not” happen? Mike didn’t get mad at me he looked at me and asked me, “When did I ever say I didn’t want to marry you?” I said, “You didn’t but you aren’t committing to me either,” He said, “I thought being with you was evidence of my commitment to you. By being with you this long, by sticking around, etc.” No, in fact that isn’t a commitment. Why can’t men see that?

I felt as if he had gone back on his word, and broken my heart. He didn’t see it that way at all. I told him I was confused and that he was the most indecisive person I’ve met including myself. I told him that I thought that we’d made a step forward and now it was a step back. Mike told me that we didn’t take any step so we didn’t actually move at all. Great, so we are back at the time and place before where I didn’t know where we stood and where it was a world of limbo. Where there is not progress, love and relationships die. I feel like I am drowning in a quagmire and I felt that way before all of the marriage talk gave me a glimmer of hope like a lifesaver tossed to one at sea. Now it was gone and I was stranded in a dark abyss not knowing where I was or where we were going. I hated going back when so unexpectedly I’d been saved. Do you know what I mean? Mike and I were in limbo and then randomly we started talking about marriage in general and then last Friday he told me that the timeframe of “two-years from now” had drastically shortened. I was so fine with even talking about marriage and knowing it would be two years and then he offered me a shortcut to my dreams. Can you see how that hurt terribly to have that taken away and told that no, you still have to wait years for your dreams? It would have been totally fine to wait two years, but she shouldn’t have made me think sooner because then I started planning mentally for it. I wish he’d never said he wanted to marry me in the next year.

Back to what happened with us, Mike told me that he sometimes says stupid things (he was referring to saying that he wanted to marry me in a year) and I took that like a physical blow. What? Marrying me in a year was stupid? That was how I took it (he probably meant that saying it was dumb but that option didn’t occur to me until later). I was furious that he thought marrying me was stupid and I thought he meant that he never wanted to marry me or else that it was a disgusting thought. I reacted the only way I could in order to protect my heart. I told Mike, “I don’t think it is a good idea to talk about marriage anymore. At all.” Mike acknowledged that maybe that was for the best but he asked me, “What about tomorrow? Are we still on to look at rings or banks or the house?” I told him “no”. I couldn’t bear to thing about marriage related things when they might not come to pass. I couldn’t bear to imagine a life together when Mike was putting it off until God only knows when. My heart hurt from getting my dreams dashed and I decided that we shouldn’t talk about it and hurt me more until Mike wants to man up and ask me to marry him. In that case it would be okay to talk about since we’d be planning our wedding and lives together.

Mike walked me up to my door. I still wasn’t crying, I was being strong but I knew I’d sob in the house. Mike reiterated that he sometimes says really dumb things and reminded me that he once tried to breakup with me. I was still keeping it together then he kissed me goodnight and I couldn’t stop the tears. When we broke our kiss apart he saw the tears glistening in my eyes and he hugged me and I cried. When he looked at me again the tears were on my cheeks and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I just wanted to go and didn’t want to talk about it. I ran inside my house and didn’t glance back like I normally do to see Mike one last time. My mom was waiting for me inside and she kept asking questions and I was totally stoic except for the tears. I was silent and didn’t answer her. Eventually I did tell her of the injustice of Mike’s indecision and how he should never have said a thing if he didn’t really mean it.

The Recent Constant Stress At My House

I got a nice surprise of seeing Mike on Monday night. I was pissed and upset when Mike called me saying Kari and Kevin had invited us to come to dinner with them, but I was so happy to have the escape to get out of my house. My mom had told me to type Samantha’s homework for her, (a load of bull), then she told me to enlarge it so that it would stretch to closer to 3 pages because it was required to have a full three page typed. I was pissed! You have to hand-write about double the number of pages you are required to do so that it comes out to the requirement in the double-spaced typed final draft. It wasn’t my damn homework to do, and I wanted to finish my work for my Geology class. Nope, my own work wasn’t important because I had to do Samantha’s work. It’s her homework! Let her do it or fail, who gives a damn if she is kicked out of the Christian School, then maybe she’d learn or be held back! It doesn’t help her one bit to be handed her education on a silver platter if she couldn’t actually do anything she’d supposedly passed.

So that made me pissed off and then my mom told me that my paperwork for food-stamps or something was due in the morning, and she hadn't given it to me sooner. Damn it! Why the hell couldn’t she have given it to me when I was at work? I wasn’t about to start that too that night. I was gonna have to sacrifice my work for Samantha’s. Screw that! That is so stupid! Well, I was glad Mike called and I promptly left the house as soon as he drove up. My mom called after me, “What? Now he is only going to honk at you, and you’ll come running?” I growled, “No!” but she didn’t hear me. I was so irate I was about to cry. I ran into Mike’s arms and he asked me, “Baby, what is wrong? Are you okay?” I told him I’d tell him in the car. We got into his car and he listened as I ranted about the injustices of having to do Samantha’s work and mine. He was really mad about it, he was positively steaming over it. He shut off his car and his hand flew to the door of his car. He was going to get out and confront my mom for making me so upset. I grabbed his arm and pleaded with him to please not. He looked at me and said he was going to unless I gave him a reason not to, and I told him that it would make it worse for me if he did. Then he let go of the door handle and sat there. He told me that we had to talk to my mom about this but not that night. He said we had to spring it on her sometime and not tell her “we need to talk” and make an appointment. He told me it didn’t matter if Samantha was there or not, she might need to hear it too. I tried to talk him out of it but he wasn’t interested, he told me that he doesn’t like to see me being walked on like that at all. He said that I shouldn’t be asked to do those things in the first place.

The idea of confronting my mom terrifies me. She’d get mean and guilt-trippy like she always does, and make me feel like the horrible person for bullying the little old lady. Or she’d flat out threaten to kill herself because no one in her mind needs her or loves her. Also if I refuse to type Samantha’s homework then she tells me in private that Samantha is retarded and that she can’t do it herself. Bull! Samantha is not retarded, she may be slower and more timid but she isn’t stupid. She holds perfectly logical conversations and asks prudent questions. It is such a lie that she isn’t capable of doing her own damn work. Then if I argued that point then my mom would say that if she was made to do her own work (and learn her own stuff instead of coasting through school not learning a thing) then she’d fail and be kicked out of the Christian School. Good! She needs a real school that doesn’t baby her, it isn’t helping her to learn and grow in that environment, she still has no friends so that idea that being there will help her to get friends it stupid too, the only thing it might be doing is keeping her from rough bullying, but she still gets teased.

Anyway Mike was mad and I was terrified to say a thing to my mom. I know how it’ll play out because I’ve had these conversations in part before. Mike thinks it would be healthy to talk about, I think it would be destructive emotionally, and it would grate on the relationships I have with my family. I just need to move out is all. I need my own place away from the chaos and emotional abuse. But, and it is a huge but, I have no money, and my mom told me when I move out I get burdened with all of the car payment (I only pay for half of it now) so that means that I’d have that lovely bill also to compound my poverty. If I never have the discussion no one will be hurt and it can all fade away, but if I do then I might be hurt beyond repair or my family could be. But if somehow I get out of the house there isn’t a need for pain, just me growing up. I need a fulltime job and I can work school around it or something. I have enough credits for my degree if I so choose to get it. I’d have an Associates in General Studies with which I have no idea what sort of job I might be able to get. I doubt one here anyway.

After Mike and I calmed down a little we left and headed to Pizza Hut. When there Mike and I sat and waited for Kari and Kevin who weren’t there yet. I told Mike what Amanda had told me that night after class, that Ryan had posted belligerent bulletins on MySpace directed by name at Mike after Mike had quit all the bands. She told me how Scott Kendall had bitched out Ryan for acting like that and then how Ryan had deleted all the posts about it. I never saw them, and neither had Mike so he said he’d ask Scott what had been said in them. When Kari and Kevin arrived they ordered a large pizza for us to all share and then we all talked. Sitting at the table next to ours were three men who work at Rib Crib, the manager, Leo (the waiter we always have) and some punk long-haired kid. They were notoriously rude to their waiters and we heard about it after they left.

About half an hour after they left a call came for Kevin on the Pizza Hut phone and he left to get it once he was told of it. He set down the phone abruptly and said to us that it was Leo on the phone and he said that his car had been hit. He rushed out the door, and when he returned he informed us that it had really been Kari’s car. Phew! When he had said it wasn’t his car I’d gotten tense for that split second with worry it could have been Mike’s new car, which would have been utterly horrible. Kevin went back to the phone and had a pen and paper. The rest of us went out to see the damage. It was just ugly, it wasn’t going to harm the car in any real way. It was a big dent in her front left side above the tire, but nothing that a body-shop couldn’t easily fix I don’t imagine. We returned inside and Kevin told us that Leo had seen the guy who did it, the longhaired dude with him and the manager. He gave Kevin the name and asked him not to call the police about it because the guy was drunk and “hadn’t realized that he’d hit the car”. We called the police immediately. They arrived shortly and Mike and I left fairly soon after.

Mike and I drove to his house where we continued our conversation. Mikes said we must talk to my mom, but for the reasons listed above I don’t want to. We rehashed and fine-tuned the conversation and then it came to me being an adult. I need to grow up and Mike has opinions on that and for the most part I agree. But anyway, that was the majority of it. Mike and I talked about how we are as a couple and why we work so well, we are adults. We are fine on our own, just better together. We complement one another but aren’t dependent upon the other to be happy. We met in a time in our lives where we were both just fine being single, and were totally able to have fun by ourselves.

Mike drove me home about 12:15.