Hopes Dashed As Unexpectedly As They Came

So, what happened was that Mike picked me up at my house on Thursday evening after he got out of work on the drive after he got me we decided that looking at rings should be saved for Friday since more places would be open and because we’d have all day. It was mostly my idea, I didn’t want to be rushed. We went to his house where we watched TV, ate dinner with his family and then talked. So we talked about that and about the job that I’d been looking into, the one that is full time and $16,000 a year. I told Mike how I doubt I could hold a job like that where I had no time to study during work-time. I thought that I’d also go insane with the work and the lack of “me time”. I wanted to make a joint decision about it and so I asked Mike for his opinion. Mike told me to take the job and that he’d even help me study if I needed it. He suggested that I could go slow and do it one or two classes at a time. The only problem with that is that I would lose all of my financial aid forever if I drop below fulltime status for more than 6 months. I would be paying for my education out of my own pocket and that means I’d be stuck in that job that was supposed to be a temporary situation. It is a job on contract for a year and if I stopped going to school for a year then I’d have to eventually find a similar job with similar or better pay in order to keep going to school. To me it seemed impossible to balance a fulltime job with and education, especially one if I were going to school fulltime too.

Like I said before, Mike said he’d help me out in any way he could to help me and he told me to take the job if I was offered it. I told him I would, he’d make it all better I could tell. We talked about this house that is across from mine that is for sale. It is $44,900 and two bedrooms. It is small but for a starting place, it would be perfect for Mike and I. I mentioned to Mike that my mom had got us an appointment to look at the house on Friday at 1:30. Mike said that that was cool and that we should go look at it if for no other reason than to get to know better what we like. With the job I could afford the house and the payments on my car, and a wedding! The job was sounding more and more appealing even if I might have to drop out of school for an indefinite amount of time. So then we discussed that we were going to look at banks and rings on Friday. I stated, “Wow, tomorrow looks like a very grown-up day! Are you scared?” and Mike said, “Yes,” I was rather surprised that he was or that he was honest so I just told him I was glad he was honest and laughed it off. But I think he was seriously scared. He started asking me, “When would we have to make a move on the house?” and I told him that we would have to soon, like within a month.

Things somehow got stressful from here. The conversation turned and he told me that he didn’t think that it was doable no matter if I had to job or not. He backed out of the conversation and confused the hell out of me. He told me that he would know within a year if he wanted to marry me or when but the house wasn’t going to wait for that. I was hurt, last he’d told me was that we’d be married in a year! When did his blunt statement while he gazed deeply in my eyes while holding my face between his palms so that I knew he was dead serious of “I want to marry you in the next year,” become false? I have told him time and time again that I wasn’t in a rush and that I wouldn’t rush him at all. He should never ever have told me that he wanted to marry me this year if he didn’t mean it. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to get far away from him.

Mike took me home and at my house I interrogated him about why he now didn’t want to marry me in the next year. He told me that he never meant it that way that he only meant that he would know by then if he wanted to marry me or when. I felt awful. He told me that he would know in a year if it was right or something along those lines. He said that he wasn’t sure if he
wanted to “give up his freedom” or something. I felt tears burning in my eyes and I bluntly said that I wasn’t going to take the damn job and give up my freedom if he wasn’t interested in giving up his. Why should I invest my life and money into something that “may or may not” happen? Mike didn’t get mad at me he looked at me and asked me, “When did I ever say I didn’t want to marry you?” I said, “You didn’t but you aren’t committing to me either,” He said, “I thought being with you was evidence of my commitment to you. By being with you this long, by sticking around, etc.” No, in fact that isn’t a commitment. Why can’t men see that?

I felt as if he had gone back on his word, and broken my heart. He didn’t see it that way at all. I told him I was confused and that he was the most indecisive person I’ve met including myself. I told him that I thought that we’d made a step forward and now it was a step back. Mike told me that we didn’t take any step so we didn’t actually move at all. Great, so we are back at the time and place before where I didn’t know where we stood and where it was a world of limbo. Where there is not progress, love and relationships die. I feel like I am drowning in a quagmire and I felt that way before all of the marriage talk gave me a glimmer of hope like a lifesaver tossed to one at sea. Now it was gone and I was stranded in a dark abyss not knowing where I was or where we were going. I hated going back when so unexpectedly I’d been saved. Do you know what I mean? Mike and I were in limbo and then randomly we started talking about marriage in general and then last Friday he told me that the timeframe of “two-years from now” had drastically shortened. I was so fine with even talking about marriage and knowing it would be two years and then he offered me a shortcut to my dreams. Can you see how that hurt terribly to have that taken away and told that no, you still have to wait years for your dreams? It would have been totally fine to wait two years, but she shouldn’t have made me think sooner because then I started planning mentally for it. I wish he’d never said he wanted to marry me in the next year.

Back to what happened with us, Mike told me that he sometimes says stupid things (he was referring to saying that he wanted to marry me in a year) and I took that like a physical blow. What? Marrying me in a year was stupid? That was how I took it (he probably meant that saying it was dumb but that option didn’t occur to me until later). I was furious that he thought marrying me was stupid and I thought he meant that he never wanted to marry me or else that it was a disgusting thought. I reacted the only way I could in order to protect my heart. I told Mike, “I don’t think it is a good idea to talk about marriage anymore. At all.” Mike acknowledged that maybe that was for the best but he asked me, “What about tomorrow? Are we still on to look at rings or banks or the house?” I told him “no”. I couldn’t bear to thing about marriage related things when they might not come to pass. I couldn’t bear to imagine a life together when Mike was putting it off until God only knows when. My heart hurt from getting my dreams dashed and I decided that we shouldn’t talk about it and hurt me more until Mike wants to man up and ask me to marry him. In that case it would be okay to talk about since we’d be planning our wedding and lives together.

Mike walked me up to my door. I still wasn’t crying, I was being strong but I knew I’d sob in the house. Mike reiterated that he sometimes says really dumb things and reminded me that he once tried to breakup with me. I was still keeping it together then he kissed me goodnight and I couldn’t stop the tears. When we broke our kiss apart he saw the tears glistening in my eyes and he hugged me and I cried. When he looked at me again the tears were on my cheeks and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I just wanted to go and didn’t want to talk about it. I ran inside my house and didn’t glance back like I normally do to see Mike one last time. My mom was waiting for me inside and she kept asking questions and I was totally stoic except for the tears. I was silent and didn’t answer her. Eventually I did tell her of the injustice of Mike’s indecision and how he should never have said a thing if he didn’t really mean it.