Breastfeeding has been an incredible experience, both extraordinarily
difficult and beautifully rewarding. To begin with, it was the hardest
combination of things I have ever had to push through. I have had more
difficult times with emotional struggles or physical strain but never both so
much as breastfeeding was in the beginning. I cried so much, I fought for the
“good latch” (even if her latch was perfect it still hurt a LOT in the
beginning). Pain, emotions, tears and lack of sleep.
Pretty much what you sign
up for when you are a new parent, but this was overwhelming. It was why I quit
breastfeeding Mairead early on. I couldn’t handle the pain, I didn’t know at
the time why it hurt, and wasn’t patient enough to wait it out in hopes it
would go away. I gave up pumping too with her because it took such a long time
to get anything (I had a manual hand-pump that was for one side at a time). I
couldn’t keep up with her needs with that dinky pump, and it took up literally
all of my time.
With Eili I didn’t expect it to be easy, but I was
determined. That was all it took. It was just as hard (but for some different
reasons, as well as the pain and time-consumingness). Eili fed all the time
(and my reaction to her was simply “if she cries, whip out a boob”. It worked.
It hurt for a few weeks, and I persevered through it. Supply and demand is
correct. You just have to really commit to it, actually basically sitting
around for a few weeks (or months) feeding your baby non stop. At first I hated
this. I hated having to never be able to set her down, to have to be truly
constantly on call for her. I hated how no one else could feed her, how I was
her basic resource for everything. Eventually I began to look at it like this:
she will only be small for a little while, she will only need me like this
temporarily, and every time she needs me gives me a break from life. Who doens’t
need a break now of days? It is a blessing to breastfeed, even though you could
also look at it as a burden. Now that we are almost 6 months into it, it is
amazingly easier than bottle feeding ever was. I carry her food with me, I
don’t have to make her a bottle in the middle of the night, and she is getting
the very best nutrition. If you can breastfeed why wouldn’t you? I do not judge
a woman who actually cannot breastfeed, but it honestly confuses me why you
wouldn’t if you were able.
I judge myself very critically now that I look back at my
giving up with Mairead. I was weak, but she was my first and I feel like you
crumble much easier with the first child than subsequent children. My backbone
is now iron compared to when I first had Mairead. Now you couldn’t hope to
change my mind unless your research was bulletproof. It was damn hard to breastfeed
Eili, but I am a dang Super Mom for doing it all. I work full-time, I am a mom
all the time, I clean my house, I cook meals, and I breastfeed and/or pump
while juggling all of this! If I can do it you sure as heck can!
The closeness and love I share with Eili is unlike anything
I have ever had with anyone, and sadly that includes Mairead. I love them both,
but the bond was instant with Eili and has grown exponentially deeper quicker
than my love for Mairead grew. I am so disappointed in myself for ruining that
potential with Mairead. It breaks my heart for mommas who choose to not
breastfeed at all when they could. The bond is unexplainable and it is richer
and more rewarding than anything I’ve found so far in life. It makes me
personally a better mother and wife as well as citizen because my empathy has
skyrocketed.
I now don't know when I'll ever want to stop! I was so tempted to "get my body back" as in, not be needed constantly, at first. But now, I love it. I figure, if it is great for my baby then it would be selfish to stop (ever?) so.... when will I? I guess who knows, but eventually probably ;)
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