Eilí's Birth Versus Mairéad's

Mairéad was a totally different pregnancy and birth than Eilí was. With Mairéad the whole pregnancy I was researching fetal progress and was totally consumed with her. I loved her the minute I knew I was pregnant, I thought about here several times a day and I loved every second (even the painful third trimester). I even knew without a doubt she had to be a girl, even before we were far enough along to get the ultrasound to confirm. I fell in love with who I thought she’d be and I was heartbroken that she had to be born and be separated from me. I cried often thinking about not being pregnant when she was born, I was very desolate. Then when she was born I felt like I didn’t know her, it was a total disconnect from the little girl I loved in the womb. I didn’t love her instantly like everyone says you will, I felt empty. It took me weeks to adjust and to fall in love with her completely. I’m being honest here, and I am sure I’m not the only mom in history to have to fall in love with their child after they were born and not have it come naturally.

With Eilí I didn’t have time to fantasize about her. We didn’t know her gender, and that actually made me have a horrible time bonding with this gender-less fetus I was carrying. I didn’t want to know (and more precisely, I liked keeping everyone else in the dark. It had been my experience that not knowing my friends’ babies’ genders pre-birth was much more exciting. I loved the surprise and suspense!) but how can you bond if you can’t picture how they’ll be with their big sister? I felt in my gut that she *had* to be another girl, but I couldn’t be certain because I felt it was my fervent desire to have a second girl that was making me feel that way. Honestly, all my dreams involved sisters who were close as best friends, and if it had been a boy I know I would have taken it much harder than is rational. It caused a great conflict in my heart, I couldn’t bond with a baby who I wasn’t sure was a girl… I know I am a horrible person, but that was how it was.

Both times I had a Cesarean Section. I elected to with Mairéad, and was super adamant about it. I had no real legitimate reason to have one with her, but I talked the doctor into it and he let me schedule one. It turns out she was 9 lbs 1 oz, 21 inches long with a round head that was in the 100^th percentile! The medical professionals said that those factors would have more than likely made me have to have a C-Section if I’d labored before hand, and the recovery would have been harder! With Eilí, I was pretty terrified about the C-Section. I was stupid enough to look into all the things that could go wrong the weeks preceding the scheduled C-Section. I cried all afternoon the day before she was born because I was so scared (even though I’d done it before!).

On Mairéad’s birthday everything was a blur, we spent a few days in the hospital and I felt “rushed” out. I was scared to go home, especially with the pain I was having (which was not as bad as I anticipated from the incision, since I had nerve damage and couldn’t feel much of it. It was 90% back pain from the spinal block. I had a huge grapefruit sized bruise on my back from it!). With Eilí my pain was easier to deal with, and I didn’t get the horrible back bruise and pain (but I did mention how bad my first back pain had been to the anesthesiologist. I didn’t know it could have been better, but man, it can be sooooo much better!). I couldn’t tell you all the things I felt and thought with Mairéad after birth and in the hospital. I was tired and I put off making a journal entry about it until it was too late and all the details had faded away. Now I am two weeks post-partum with Eilí and already I’m forgetting things about her birth!

On Eilí’s birthday we had to be at the hospital at 5:00 AM. I woke up at 3:30 AM to get ready (yes I insisted on wearing makeup and doing my hair). Mike and I arrived at 5:05 AM at the ER and were told to go on to labor & delivery where quote “They have been waiting for you”… as if 5 minutes is a huge deal (and they didn’t even take me back into surgery until an hour later than scheduled, at 8:00 AM versus 7:00 AM)! We had 3 hours to wait and to worry. We watched “That 70’s Show” and “Golden Girls” while we waited. The IV was the most horrible experience of the entire procedure (for Mairéad’s birth and Eilí’s as well). I asked an anesthesiologist to do my IV since I have a bad track record with IVs. Apparently I should have had an understanding nurse do it because he still blew one of my veins and ended up using a bigger needle (which I felt for the 2.5 days I had to have it). I am hyper aware of IVs, I feel them even when I don’t move, and they freak me out and make me dizzy/nauseous. I have a preferred insertion point, but the anesthesiologist wouldn’t listen and put it in a vein on the inside of my wrist, so moving my wrist at all made it move (which made me ill). 

So then more waiting, and then I was lead back to the OR with two nurses. I had a new anesthesiologist there (maybe I ticked off the first one with my crying over the IV?), and he did great. The spinal block wasn’t horrible, (in fact, nearly no bruising or back pain since!) and it was fairly fast. I could still “sense” my legs, but no feeling (which was so weird!). Mike was let into the OR shortly after I was on the table and he didn’t sit like he did with Mairéad… which worried me, since he could accidentally glance over the curtain in front of me and see the operation (he says he saw Eilí come out, but nothing more graphic). I’m so glad they didn’t tell me what was going on, I was trying desperately not to think about the incision, etc. In no time Eilí was out, we heard her cry (which was so different than Mairéad’s, which was loud and ear-splitting whereas Eilí’s was normal and kind of cute). Mike’s eyes were glued to Eilí the minute she was out. I kept asking him questions, but he barely noticed, ha ha! He was enamored with our second little girl. They brought her to us and we asked her weight. They said they wouldn’t know until they took her to the nursery (that was different than Mairéad, we knew her birth time and weight all in the OR). I had to wait another hour (or two?) in recovery to find out her weight! It was 8 lbs 9 ounces by the way  (Mairéad’s was 9 lbs 1 ounce). She was 21 ¼ inches long (a quarter inch taller than Mairéad, but half a pound lighter!)

Mike and Eilí left shortly after and then I was readied to go to “recovery”. This time I was hot, like sweating like a pig, super uncomfortably hot. With Mairéad I was fine, but I shivered convulsively as if I was freezing. It is so weird how two C-Sections can be so entirely different, and done by the same doctor! Even the recovery was so different! With Mairéad my back pain post-partum was horrendous, and it never entirely went away (it would flare up when I did too much). Two weeks out, and my back feels no worse than before Eilí (and somewhat better than in my pregnancy with Eilí). My incision barely was noticeable after 2 weeks with Mairéad (which I attribute to nerve damage) and my back was tolerable too. This time my incision feels pretty good right now, but I’m still careful. I had issues with the staples this time (I had to have 2 staples removed before we left the hospital on day 4, and when I had all the others removed a week after the surgery one nurse was so concerned with the crookedness of the staples that she called in backup… who then called in Dr. Moore to make sure I could have them all removed!). 

We stayed maybe 3 days with Mairéad, and 4 days with Eilí (who had jaundice, and they kept her under the lights for a day and a half). I had a horrible time breastfeeding Mairéad, (looking back, she must have had a bad latch, but I didn’t know the importance of latching then) but with Eilí it was pretty natural. She has a huge little mouth, and a fantastic latch 80% of the time. I feel disappointed and like I should have done more research or tried harder with Mairéad since it was no one’s fault but mine that I succumbed to the pressures of the nurses (they said things like “She isn’t getting enough since she is so big” and “If it hurts so much why not supplement?”). It was the easy way out, and it sucks. Mairéad is perfect and super smart, but still. I’m much more determined this time (and I was adamant in the hospital about breastfeeding, even when they made it sound like that was what was causing the jaundice) even with only 2 weeks off work to figure it out, and me having to pump at work. I’m hoping for 6 months at least. 

Now that I’m done being pregnant, I can tell you that Eilí was a harder pregnancy (I had mild morning sickness the first trimester, my lower back ache started in the second trimester instead of the third, but my swelling began later and was maintainable instead of out of control), even though from what I’ve heard from other moms it was still a relative breeze. I loved being pregnant both times (but took the end harder with Mairéad, where I was borderline depressed). With Eilí I was more excited to meet her (especially considering the lack-of-bonding I felt while in utero) and so thrilled for Mairéad to meet her new sibling. We’d been trying to get pregnant for 22 months, so she was a blessing I’d prayed for every day. I never intended Mairéad to be an only child, and in all my dreams she had a little sister (who ws much closer in age, but we couldn’t arrange that no matter how hard we tried). I only feel a little sad that she has to adjust to having a sister, because I’ve envisioned the benefits all of my own life. My own sister and I are 7 years apart, and it is much too big of a gap. We could have been so much closer if our gap wasn’t nearly a generation. I always wanted a twin sister growing up, and then as an adult I wanted to have twin girls. I feel it is making a built in best friend (and with me having such a hard time making friends, this is can prevent that with my children I hope). 

One thing that is completely awesome is that so far Mairéad adores her. She calls Eilí "her" baby. She talks about how cute/adorable/sweet, etc Eilí is at least once an hour. She is totally enamored with her and doesn't seem to mind that we have to feed her constantly and change her diaper often. She seems to understand that we still love her totally, but we also have to take care of her sister too. She hasn't shown any jealousy, and she loves to hold Eilí when we let her. I look forward to seeing how they interact as they grow up together. They are 3 years and 2 months apart, but they'll be 4 school years apart. I definitely hope Mairéad and Eilí are able to have things in common and understand one another with such a gap. 

Eilí

Daddy and Eilí

Eilí held by her aunt Samantha

My first time to hold Eilí

Mairéad and aunt Samantha holding Eilí

Spring Update

We moved into our new apartment the first of April (and therefore, have lived there approximately 1 month now). It is really great to have our own space, with our own things, together as a family at last! Mike and I were married an entire year (and 2 weeks) when we finally got the news we could move in. Mairéad has her own room, which she loves, and says she won’t mind sharing with the new baby (which, funnily enough, she has not gender preference on, unlike her mother J , she simply wants a “baby”, with whom to read to and teach things to, isn’t that too cute?!)

I, on the other hand, am so conflicted about finding out the baby’s gender at the end of the month (May 31^st,  when I’ll be 24 weeks along), because I know one way I’ll be very disappointed and all my dreams and hopes will be dashed. On the other hand, if we found out then maybe that would give me time to adjust to the news? Maybe, maybe not. My feeling is that I’ll love the baby when I meet them and the gender will matter less (at least I hope it would) after they are born. I’ve been trying to get Mike to agree with me to not find out the gender (since for one thing, we’ll get better, more useful gifts if clothing is off the table. And because by 24 weeks, we’ll only have 15 weeks left (at the most) before the baby arrives).

I am sure some people think I’m being silly about the gender thing, but it may break my heart if Mairéad doesn’t have a sister close to her age. If not this time, she’ll never have a sister to be friends with, they will be far too far apart in age to be friends***. This is the only chance to have two little girls who are close enough in age to perhaps be friends and have things in common. I speak from experience, it was hard praying for years and years as a child myself for a sister. I anticipated someone to play with, someone who would talk to me and have games, etc. Well by the time I got a sister I was almost 7.5 years old, and by the time Samantha was the age to play with, I was the age that didn’t play like she did anymore. Now at 25 and 18 we are starting to get along an have more interests in common, but we could have been so much closer so much sooner if we’d been born closer in age. A son would be fine next time, as long as this one is a girl. I don’t know how to parent a boy, but after two kids I’m sure I could handle all the boy energy, ha ha! I know sisters and brothers can have a bond, but it wouldn’t be like having a sister. I guess I’m projecting all my childhood hopes of having a twin sister on Mairéad, and she’ll probably be happy either way, but this irrational desire for another daughter will not cease. I’ve dreamed of two daughters (close in age as I could manage), for my whole  life. I hope you can sympathize and understand where my hopes and fears in this respect come from at least.

***(Considering it took us 21 months to get pregnant this time, and it won’t be easier the next time, plus the 9 months gestation, that means of we tried to have another baby right after this one, and we were blessed to have the same time-line, the next one would be here in 2.5 years, and Mairéad would be at least 5 and a half years old before the next one came along, and even then, it may not be a girl).

Pregnancy So Far.. At 20 weeks 

I love being pregnant, it is so much better now that I can feel the baby move sometimes. (The nerve damage from the Caesarean Section inhibits me from feeling some movement, but I’m sure once the baby is bigger, I’ll feel them all the time!) This pregnancy has been different from the last one with Mairéad in a number of ways; this time I wasn’t certain of feeling movement until 18 weeks, whereas with Mairéad I was certain at 13 weeks.

With Mairéad I was so bonded the instant I knew I was pregnant, and this one seems surreal and disconnected. It may be because I haven’t felt as much movement, I hope I bond with this baby as much as when I was pregnant with Mairéad. It might also be that I don’t have the time this time to think about this baby like I did with Mairéad (I spent hours a day thinking of her).

With Mairéad I knew she was a girl from conception, and somehow Mike knew too. We just knew she was a girl, and in my mind, there was no other option, she *had* to be a girl, ha ha! This baby we do not know, and we couldn’t even guess it! My first pregnancy was easy, and the only drawbacks were in the third trimester, my back hurt and my legs swelled (a lot). This time by the second trimester I’ve been hurting, and it isn’t getting better. So much pressure! But I am happy, I know I prayed fervently for years for this baby, so I have no right to complain at all.

With Mairéad I dreaded her birth, not because of the typical reasons, I wasn’t afraid of the pain I was so sad that she wouldn’t be with me constantly anymore. I knew I’d miss her little kicks and punches, I’d miss her hiccups and I knew she’d never be with me like that ever again. It depressed the heck out of me to have her separate from me and that is why I dreaded her birth. This time I know a little more of what to expect. I will hate that part of the birth, but I’ll probably like meeting this one more than I liked it with Mairéad. With her it was like meeting someone I’d never met and losing the child I’d bonded with for 9 months. It was hard for me to love her at first, it took me a little while to re-bond with her. She wasn’t what I expected (whatever that may have been). This time I sort of am maybe distancing myself from bonding with this baby, maybe subconsciously, because it would be sad to have to fall in love with this one after they were born because they were different than I expected and had learned to love in the womb. I am betting it won’t happen like that twice though, because I know more what to expect this time around. Pluse I look forward so much to Mairéad meeting this sibling and watching them love each other and interact. I look forward to their bonding, and that only will truly come after the baby arrives. So I guess I don’t “dread” this birth (yet, lol), I actually look forward to it in its own due time J. 

Our Second Conception Story

01/16/2013

We had our first child, Mairéad, in 2010. She was conceived at the end of 2009 and was a surprise. We had not been "trying" but we hadn't used any protection for about a year and a half. She was a healthy baby, full term, 9lbs 1oz!

The second time around we started trying to conceive when Mairéad  was around 9 months old (that was April 2011). I got off birth control, and didn't know what else I needed to do. By October I went to the doctor for my annual but also to get advice about our apparent infertility and she suggested that I chart my basal body temperature.

I had done that for a YEAR (I didn't have the money or insurance that would cover our fertility testing) and then went in for my annual and talked more about my still not getting pregnant. She offered to put me on Clomid because my charts were not showing regular ovulation monthly. Now here we are 4 round of Clomid in and voila! Finally, after nearly two years (21 months) of trying we have succeeded!

Trying-to-Conceive Experience

Every month I wasn't pregnant I felt worse. I felt like a failure, and I was very upset. Especially the months where I was a day or two "late", the hopes would build and be crushed. I was about at the point of giving up, it felt hopeless to hope, and depressing to dream about having more children. I felt really alone too, my friends never had problems (at least the vast majority never did). It was agony seeing my friends have children with ease, with barely a year gap. It has been my dream to have children close (less than a year to under 2 years apart) in age and the longer our unexplained infertility stretched the worse and I would be so upset and jealous. It really made me angry when my pregnant friends would complain about being pregnant. I was sitting there thinking how much I wanted to be pregnant, and how much I would love to be experiencing morning sickness if only we could achieve another pregnancy! Mike would just say "It'll happen when it is supposed to happen" which wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to be sad too, maybe he was, but he hid it if that was so.

Charting Experience
I charted 17 cycles, and it has helped me a lot knowing my average cycle length. I disciplined myself to not take pregnancy tests until after I was certain it was at least 2 days longer than average, which saved me money and heartbreak from negative pregnancy tests. Once I started Clomid I did have to use a pregnancy test every month before I took my pills, and finally after my fourth round of taking Clomid my pregnancy test was positive! It showed up immediately even though I had only been 5 days “late”. I went to the doctor’s office on that Friday (the 18^th of January) for a clinical test and they agreed I was finally pregnant!

Although I charted all that time, I am not sure my charts were always accurate, which is my fault for not taking my temperature at the same time every day, and sometimes forgetting altogether (but no more than once a week did I forget). It made it very hard to find when I ovulated with any accuracy, and when I finally conceived, it showed that I'd ovulated much earlier than I had been thinking it normally was.

Telling the Husband

I took my last pregnancy test on January 18, 2013 in the morning, it was a Wednesday. I took the test then because I was a few days late and my mom wanted to know if I was pregnant before she went into surgery the next morning. It came up positive within 20 seconds, so I didn’t have to even wait the two minutes it says to wait! It was agony to have to wait until Friday to tell Mike, but I didn’t want to tell him between work and class, or at some other point where it wouldn’t have time to really sink in. I wanted to be alone and have hours together to talk about it. So I was waiting until after Mike’s show on Friday night. Let me tell you, those few days were the longest of my life! And the last few hours dragged on to days! I couldn’t wait to tell him, but the closer it got to our alone time, the more nervous and less excited I became. What if he wasn’t happy? What if he reacted in a negative way?

Well we went to get food after his show, and I was too nervous to get anything. My stomach was tied in knots and I felt nauseous. Back at his house (we still don’t have a place together, we live with our respective mothers until we can afford to live together) I waited for him to finish eating. And it seemed to take an unusually long time! After Mike was finished eating, I got a small package out of my purse. I’d used an old jewelry box to put the pregnancy test in and I’d made a “coupon” that was redeemable for one infant at the end of September. Mike opened it, and sat there in silence.  He must have reread that coupon dozens of times, eventually he awakened from his utter disbelief and asked me if I was serious. I told him I was, and that I had gone to the Women’s Medical Center that morning and confirmed it. He sat in silence some more and asked me when we would know for sure. I laughed and told him we already did know!

He insisted that we wait to tell anyone until I was at least 12 or 13 weeks along, so in the case of a miscarriage we wouldn’t have to tell everyone about it. So as I am writing this now, I’m only 4 weeks and 6 days, so we have 7 or 8 weeks to go before I post this publicly.

Conclusion
I know it is impossibly difficult to see all of your healthy friends get pregnant with one baby after the other when you are struggling so hard to get pregnant. It was hard to see them complain about being pregnant when all I wanted to do was *be* pregnant! They took it for granted when I would have loved to have morning sickness!

If you have tried and tried to get pregnant and have felt the heartbreak I have I want you to know you aren't the only one who has had trouble, and with luck and faith, you will get pregnant too! I have a friend who was 45 when she got pregnant with her son, she and her husband had given up all hope, and she was blessed with her son after years and years of trying and heartbreak. It can happen, just try to relax (and I know I never could) and keep trying!

02/25/2013

One of the major things I was concerned about before I began publicly announcing this baby was my friends who I knew were actively trying to conceive (some their first child and others their second). I felt I had to tell them first, before even some of my family knew, because I knew how I would feel considering how long we had been trying to conceive. (By the way 2 of my friends that I felt needed to know first had both miscarried at least once, and I felt it would be cruel and unthoughtful to announce my pregnancy without them being notified first)  So the opportunity to tell my friend Dana came one day at church, we were just talking and I told her how much I liked her skirt, which she then told me was "roomy" and told me she was 7 weeks along. I told her, "Me too! I am 7 weeks also!" so that was incredibly awesome and perfect! We both were getting the baby we had hoped for, and better yet only days apart!

The next friend I needed to tell I was saved from telling because she announced it on Facebook before I could see her in person. She'd had at least one miscarriage I knew of, and I had felt it was important to tell her so she wouldn't feel blind-sided.

The third friend I told (Candace) we had tried and tried to take to lunch or dinner, but we both were so busy it never worked out! Finally when I was 10 weeks along she called me and told me she was expecting over the phone, and that she wanted to let me know before she went public with it for the same reasons I wanted to tell her too! And it turned out, she too was 10 weeks along and we are due within days of each other! That makes 2 of my friends that will be having mid/later month September babies! How awesome is that?!

God really has awesome timing, and it will be incredibly fun to have friends who are at the same stages (exactly) as I am throughout our entire pregnancies! 

03/01/2013

We had our first ultrasound and it was great! Baby has a heart rate of 165 and was exactly 11 weeks along (which moved my due date three days, but according to my BBT charts, exactly 11 weeks was precisely when I ovulated anyway, I could have told them, lol!) Here is a picture of the ultrasound:


03/13/2013

We had our first family pictures of just me, Mairéad and Mike last Friday morning, courtesy of my friend Heather. I had told here that we were intending to surprise Mairéad the news and try to capture the reaction she had that she was going to be a big sister. She'd been talking about babies, and even had told me how she would take care of one (smelling its diaper, singing to them, teaching them how to run, lol) and she had mentioned a few times how she wanted a baby. So I was hoping for a big reaction (like I'd seen with kids' pictures on Pinterest). Well she kind of just stood there, ha ha! We took a video of it though, so we do have her actual reaction documented. She did eventually ask us what the picture (ultrasound) was of. And where the baby's eyes were ;) And finally we asked her if she wanted a brother or a sister, and she replied, "Just a baby!", which we laughed and assured her she would be getting! And since then I had asked her what she wants for her birthday, and she told me, "A baby!" and I told her the baby would come after her birthday and after the fair.

The Hardest Thing To Do Is Wait

So this is a blog a long time coming, and here it goes. I haven't told more than a handful of my friends, and so basically only family knows. Mike and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year now, and in January I found out why it wasn't happening as easy as I thought is should. My doctor told me that I have problems with ovulation (as seen by me taking my own basal body temperature*), as in I kind of don't ovulate. At least not normally, and in the past 6 months, my charts have made it evident that I perhaps have only ovulated 2 times, once in November and once just last month.

This is really, really hard for me. I have been more than desperate to have another baby since Mairead was 9 months old. It has always been my dream to have two little girls under two years apart, and I have three friends who all have been blessed with *exactly* that. It kills me every time I see them living my dream. I know people say that often siblings hate being so close in age to one another, but I look at the bonds twins have and I must say that it doesn't have to be that way. When I was a child all I wanted was a twin, and I still wish I had one. Someone who was a friend when you had no other. I didn't have my little sister until I was already 7.5, and that sucks. It isn't fun being an 8-year-old and having a little baby around, they are not fun, they can't talk or play or be on your same level at all. I never wanted that for my kids, I wanted them to have siblings under two years younger, to be like having a twin. I don't want them to have to wait until they are adults to get along and have things in common!

People keep telling me ignorant things like "be patient" or "it'll happen when it is supposed to happen" or the worst one "at least you have a baby now", which is precisely the reason I want another one NOW! I don't want words that mean nothing, I want a baby! I hate that I cannot do anything to fix this, save for spend money we don't have on fertility drugs and testing. We are stuck. Mike doesn't feel the extreme need I have to get pregnant, like, yesterday, he has a more "it'll happen when it is supposed to" outlook, which drives me nuts sometimes because it hurts me so much to wait while it seems not to bother him. It isn't like we aren't actively trying, but even with perfect timing the chances of a healthy woman conceiving is only 20% per month. We have so little of a chance, Mairead really was a blessing and a miracle. It still breaks my heart every time month when I am not pregnant, even with the charts telling me that I couldn't have conceived I still have hope in vain that we'll have a miracle again. And then I cry myself to sleep for nights on end until it is time to try again.

If you are the praying sort, I would ask you if you might pray that we get pregnant and soon, before I give up hope, because this is the hardest thing I've ever had to wait for.

*for those of you who don't know, that is taking your temperature every morning first thing, and charting it to see when your temperature rises. When it has risen and stays risen it means you have ovulated. You're supposed to do this for a few months to see your own pattern and then you can sort of plot when to try to get pregnant. If your temperature doesn't rise, or goes up and down, that means that you didn't ovulate that month.

Update on Mairead at 17 months old

Words Mairéad can say at 17 months old
1. “Mama”/”Mommy”
2. “Dada”/”Daddy”
3. “bye bye” and closes her hand like she is waving
4. “cat”
5. “Sasha”
6. “Sassy”
7. “baby”
 8. “ah-oh”
 9. “Aunt Samantha”(An Tan-ta)
10. “What’s that?”
11. “pretty”
 12. “duck”

 ****She said the above at 12 months and has added the following since***
13. “quack”
14. “ball”
15. “moo” (for cows)
16. “bunny”
17. “goody”
18. “birdy”
19. “knee”
20. “mouth”
21. “nose”
22. “water”
23. “belly”
 24. “banana” (nana)
25. “cracker”
26. “cookie”
27. “door”
28. “Where’s ____?”
29. “It’s a ____”
30. “rooster”
31. “toe”
32. “noodle” (nu-no)
33. “go”
34. “car”
35. “baa” (for sheep)
36. “neigh” (for horses)
37. “ladybug” (buh)
38. “girl”
39. “puppy”
40. “dog”
41. “blue”
42. “turtle”
43. “whale”
44. “crab”
45. “cold”
46. “roar” (when she sees lions, tigers or other big cats and bears)
47. *hiss* (for snakes)
48. “bubble”
49. *mmm*
 50. “I don’t know” and she shrugs and lifts her hands up to her shoulders palms up
51. “dance” (da)
 52. “money”
53. “nuts” (nuh)
54. “shoe”
55. “bear”
56. “here you go”
57. “Barbie doll”
58. “Barney”
59. “down”
60. “door”
61. “yeah”
62. “no”
63. “mermaid”
64. “boo”
65. “I did it”
66. “yay!”
67. “bee”
68. “eye”
69. “hair”
70. “leg”
71. “foot”
72. “ear”
73. “arm”
74. “floor”
75. “hungry”
76. “thirsty”
77. “soft”
78. “milk”
79. “tiger”
80. “horse”
81. “frog”
82. “outside”
83. “more”
84. “cereal”
85. “Elmo”
86. “toy”
87. “potatoes”
88. “cheese”
89. “birthday”
90. “sock”
91. “I love you” (IU)
92. “hmm”
93. “booger”
94. “kitty”
95. “Po”
96. “paper”
97. “dark”
98. “awesome”
99. “coming”
100. “animal”
101. “Gramma”
102. “broccoli”
103. “glasses”
104. “hotdog”
105. “cell phone”
106. “pants”
107. “tabby”
108. “hat”
109. “happy”
110. “cherry”
111. “meow”
112. “hammer”
113. “clippy”
114. “gold”
115. “chair”
116. “purple”
117. “hole”
118. “ham”
119. “cuppy”
120. “green bean”
121. “lizard”
122. “windy”
123. “so”
124. “very”
125. “sleepy/sleeping”
126. “peas”
127. “pee”
128. “poo”
129. “potty”
130. “what?”
131. “flower”
132. “color”
133. “scary”
134. “fairy”
135. “pizza”
136. “ice cube”
137. “flash light”
138. “yummy”
139. “get me”
140. “getcha”
141. “get you”
142. “tissue”
143. “fuzzy”
144. “deer”
145. “pig”
146. “going”
147. “oh no”
148. “hi”
149. “hair”
150. “ruff-ruff” (the sound that dogs make)
151. “owl”
152. “mouse”
153. “book”
154. “big”
155. “spoon”
156. "Oma"

She also does the following:
Nods “Yes”
Shakes her head “No” and says it
She understands “softly” when you want her to be gentle
She understands “Smack it”
She understands “High Five”
She’ll “wash” her face when I ask her to
She will say whatever I ask her if I ask “Can you say___?”
She’ll take something to someone if you tell her to show so-and-so
She will hand me something if I ask “Can I see the ___?”
She understands me asking her to smile
She can clap on command
Hugs when asked
If you ask her “Do you want to come here?” if she does want to she’ll raise her arms to you
If you ask her to “dance” she will If you tell her to “wiggle” she shimmies her shoulders and moves her hips If you request her to “plop” or “flop” while she is on a soft surface (If on a hard surface she won’t do it, smart girl!) she will throw her whole body onto it
If you say “bonk” (either after she hits herself in the head, or if you want her to) she will tap herself in the head with whatever is nearest.
If you tell her “ouch” while she hits her head, she will laugh and keep doing it
She plays “Where’s Mairéad?” (her equivalent to Peek-a-Boo)
She runs away when you say “I'm going to get you!” (and then she proceeds to say “getchoo” while running away)
She has comic timing
She points to or gestures towards things she wants, or to some place she wants me to take her
She will hand me whatever is in her hand if I ask “Can I see it?”
She can drink from a straw
She can walk by herself and doesn’t ever fall unless she runs
She can point when I ask her to point to something (for instance in a book)
She can find different body parts (ears, eyes, mouth, nose, chin, cheek, hair, hand(s), finger(s), belly, foot, toe(s), leg, arm, butt, knee)
She knows the difference between "Mommy's nose" and "Mairead's nose" (or other body parts, etc. She understands possession)
She pretends to burp her baby doll, she feeds her baby doll, pats her baby doll, etc.
She pretends to eat pretend food (like spooning and “eating” invisible food)
She understands commands like “pick it up” or “put it back” even if she has to put it away in a whole different room.
She’ll kiss by request (if she knows you and is in the mood)
Uses spoon and fork.

I know that I probably have forgotten many more of the things Mairead can say or do, but you get the idea, she is one smart cookie!

The Best Friend I Never Even Had

I’m so stressed out. First of all, Mike lost his job in mid-March and hasn’t even had one interview since. Second, we need to move out on our own as a family BEFORE the wedding, but without a job Mike can’t afford to move. I’ll be getting money when school starts from FAFSA but that is a while off, and I can’t support us on that money. (I CAN support me and Mairéad, but not rent and Mike too)

So those are pressing issues for sure, but what is mainly on my mind is that I lack the friendships to deal with my stress. Yes, I have my mom and I have Mike, but my mom is stressed herself over her own bills and problems, and Mike feels the extreme pressure from all sides, and therefore I can’t really vent to him either. I feel like making new friends is such a huge hurdle to climb. How are you supposed to do it? LOL. I feel like if I randomly ask someone for their number that they’ll think I’m weird or desperate. I feel like asking to “hang out” seems childish, like “do you want to play today?”, and asking someone to lunch would be fabulous, but I lack the funds to be able to. How do adults even start a friendship?!

Not only is it hard to start a friendship, it is even harder to understand how to cultivate it. It seems like an insurmountable obstacle to break into someone’s world. I don’t have many true friendships, and most of those people don’t even live nearby! It seems like all the amazing people I meet that I would love to become better friends with already have their core group of friends. Everyone else seems like they have these little cliques of best friends, people who they can call on in a time of need, but I don’t have that. I don’t have someone to call if I need a shoulder to cry on, and I wish I did. I wish I had friends who needed me and who I could help too. And I can’t imagine how to break into someone’s life and become friends, especially how to become close friends.

By the way, I never have had a “best friend” who considered me theirs too. Having Mairéad didn’t make my friends disappear, they truly never existed to begin with. I do think it is harder now to make non-parent friends because they assume I can’t do anything (I CAN do things, btw, my mom is a very willing babysitter or else Mairéad is portable). I really truly miss having gal-pals to talk to about anything, to complain to, to have fun with, and to be there for. I hate having so many acquaintances who I wish were real friends! Especially I miss having the best friend I never had.

We're Engaged!

Yesterday, March 2nd 2011, Mike asked me to marry him! This is what happened… Mike and I had dropped off Mairéad at my mom’s house to go to bed at about 8:30. He and I went back to his house where we spent time hanging out before I started getting a little sad. Mike asked me if everything was okay, and I told him no. Well then I started crying and he held me and said it was all right and asked me repeatedly what was wrong. I told him that I didn’t want to tell him, and that I would just sound like a broken record. He said “I think I know why you are sad, but I’d like you to tell me,” and I kept sobbing and wouldn’t look at him. He said, “Is it about getting married?” and I nodded.

Mike held me for a few more seconds and then said, “I know this is a really bad time but I have to go pee,” and I curled up alone while he left. I didn’t hear him go into the bathroom at all, but I was too busy crying to care. Mike returned shortly and he stood at the end of his bed. He asked me to sit up please, but I was being stubborn and I stayed where I was until he pleaded again. I sat up reluctantly and Mike began a speech.

“I love you and Mairéad so much, I love our little family. I am so glad we have what we have. You are so great, I want to thank you for putting up with me all these years. Thank you for waiting so long and being so patient with me. I think I know the answer to this already but,[Mike got down on one knee and revealed a box from behind his back] will you marry me?” I was already cried-out and so instead of the emotional response I thought I would have I just smiled and grabbed his face and said, “You are so wonderful! I love you! Yes, of course I will! [I kissed him over and over] Mike opened the box and revealed my ring, the one I’d found online and I had sent Mike the link in an email with my size (hint hint.
Mike told me to put it on and I asked him to put it on for me, he asked me which way it was meant to be put on, and I told him. (it is a Cladagh ring so the point of the heart is supposed to point to my heart if I am taken) Then I said, “Are you absolutely sure?” Mike said, “yes” I asked him again, “Are you sure? Really sure?” and Mike said, “Yes I am totally sure,”

I hugged and kissed Mike and he had tears in his eyes I think. I was so excited! I pulled Mike toward me and kissed him some more and we held each other. I asked him when he had bought the ring. He told me he bought it sometime last week and had paid extra to rush ship it in two-three days but it hadn’t gotten here. He said that this past week when he had been “working late” or “at the library looking up lyrics” he had actually been trying to talk to the dealers about where the ring was/purchasing the ring. I was surprised by that, I had not caught on, although I did notice he was going to the library a lot. I really didn’t think he was going to bite the bullet and propose! I had doubted that he’d save for my ring and I was so shocked that he had.

I asked Mike why he decided to propose then opposed to at a more romantic moment, and he told me that he couldn’t wait any more, even though he had only had the ring for about two days. I asked him about if he had planned how to pop the question in a different way, and he said he had not really had a plan but that he had planned to do it on St. Patrick’s Day (two days after our anniversary). I told him that I may have been really upset if he had waited to propose until after our three-year-anniversary because I would have been expecting it on that day. I told him it might have worked though, because I would have been caught completely off guard and I probably wouldn’t have “talked to him about my disappointment” until the following weekend.

Mike told me that he had told his mom and his coworkers and even a lady at the bank (who he said didn’t seem happy at all and reacted like he’d told her that he had just had a ham sandwich) and he had even told my Mom! I was shocked that I hadn’t heard anything from her about it.

Mike told me that I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore, that now I am his fiancée and I kissed him and hugged him and squealed in delight. I told him how very excited I am over and over again. I am super excited that now I can start planning a wedding and not feel guilty looking at wedding dresses! Mike took me home about 10:30 because I wanted to get to bed. When we got to my door Mike kissed me and reminded me that I was his “fiancée” now, he sounded proud. We hugged and kissed many times before we parted. I couldn’t stop smiling. It was very fitting that we got engaged on the 2nd of March because Mike and I “met” three years ago on March 1st at a Star Wars Movie Marathon, and he walked me home on the 2nd.

I didn’t know how to break the news to Facebook (Well why does that even matter? Because my friends probably wouldn’t hear it from me otherwise for a while) and I was nervous to say anything. It still seems like a dream, very surreal. But I said “I FINALLY have an announcement to make... Mike and I are engaged! We did everything a tad bit backwards, but that is our love story. We are incredibly blessed!” I wanted to exaggerate the “finally” part because I have so many friends who got engaged after 6 months or less and they said “finally”, but honey, if you had a kid, and waited almost 8 long months after having a child with someone and you have wanted to marry this person for since you had been dating 6 months, then and ONLY then, can you say “finally”! ^_^

On a side note, I was disappointed that my depression brought on the proposal sooner. I had hoped for a big extravagant surprise proposal, and I didn’t get that. I always said that I didn’t care if Mike did it with or without a ring, or if he made it romantic and special or at home cuddled together. Maybe I did care, but Mike told me “maybe we did things backwards, maybe this isn’t a romantic event, but it is us, and it is out love story…” and I LOVE our love story!

The Week Before My First Child Arrived

My world has changed significantly since I last wrote anything. To begin with chronologically, I did ask for a C-Section, and the doctor wanted to make sure I really thought about it and knew what I was getting into. He told me to think over the week and tell him my choice on Friday (I had to do another blood test and 24 hour urine test) which wasn’t quite a week between the two consecutive appointments.

I was adamant about the C-Section and the doctor didn’t argue, and Mike and I got to schedule it. Reasons for a C-Section were: I have Group B Streptococcus, and the risks of my daughter getting it when I was in labor wasn’t worth it to me even with the use of steroids (a C-Section all but eliminates the risk of infecting a baby). A C-Section also works for me because I could schedule it, and not be totally caught off guard by labor, which honestly terrified me. Another general reason I wanted a C-Section was because I just felt like it was the right thing to do, I felt at peace with the idea and I felt like for some reason a Caesarean Section would benefit my daughter for some reason (like if she had the cord around her neck and the doctors didn’t know it, or if she shifted to breach and they didn’t catch it in time, or if she weighed much more than I could handle delivering naturally, etc). And to me a C-Section wouldn’t make me less of a mother just because I didn’t labor for hours, and also I figured it would hurt more if anything than regular labor, yet it was the choice I preferred for years. I didn’t mind the pain for longer and I didn’t mind the risks, because the benefits of it far outweighed the risks in my eyes. A shallow minor reason I am going to admit to also is that my baby wouldn’t be all swollen, bruised and cone-headed if I had a C-Section and I figured that it would be nicer on the baby to not have to be squeezed in the birth canal for x amount of hours. Lastly I thought that I might avoid incontinence whether that would be permanent or temporary.

We had to schedule it in the larger building and we had to wait for a long time, but I felt confident about my decision and wasn’t scared to have my first major surgery. The part that did scare me was the IV! I also knew that there was a good chance that since there was no medical necessity in the doctor’s eyes to do a C-Section, that my insurance probably wouldn’t cover the surgery, and I still wanted it nonetheless. In fact, I still don’t know if my insurance will cover my elective C-Section. I also felt in my heart that it was the absolute right choice for us and that there would be some reason in the end that would justify my yearning for a surgical delivery. I was scheduled for Friday July 9th, 2010 for my daughter’s birthday. I was more nervous that I’d go into labor in the following week and not get to receive my C-Section than of the actual operation. In fact, I prayed more than daily that I wouldn’t go into labor until Friday morning if I had to labor at all. And no, in fact it wasn’t the fear of pain that worried me, like I mentioned before, I felt like a surgical delivery would hurt more and for a longer period of time. And my elective Caesarean wasn’t to prevent getting too big, or to prevent stretch marks (which, by the way, I have about a million of and I look like a zebra, but oh well! At least they’ll fade away eventually!) it wasn’t really a choice I made for shallow reasons, and I was (and still am) very pleased with my decision.

Well the week before my C-Section was grueling, I was so stressed and nervous that I’d go into labor. The 4th of July was on Sunday and I worried that the fireworks would set of labor somehow (and they didn’t, but I was still scared that they might). It was a wonderful 4th spent with Mike and my sister at Greenacres Park where we watched Smoke on the Water together. The show started exactly an hour late and was only 15 minutes long. Not exactly worth going to, but we’d wanted to. Samantha at least got the memory of going with us.

The Thursday before the operation was Mike’s 22nd birthday. We went out to eat at Furr’s Cafeteria with my mom and sister to celebrate both of their birthdays at once (my mom’s birthday was the 12th of July and we’ve all celebrated both together since Mike and I got together over two years ago, this is the third joint birthday celebration). It was nice, and it felt sort of like my “last meal” because I didn’t know when I’d get to go out to lunch or dinner again after the baby arrived.

The reason I was so terrified, was that my due date was that Saturday, the very next day after my scheduled C-Section so it was too close for comfort. I could’ve gone into labor at any moment, but my mom insisted that all of her children were breach and at least two weeks late and that it would probably we much the same for me.

Two Week Countdown to D-Day

Okay, it has been a while since I last talked about pretty much anything on my blog, so it is time for an update while I am still able to. I am now 38 weeks pregnant, which for those of you who are unaware of pregnancy timelines in weeks, it means I’m about ready to pop and my due date is in two weeks (but to be technical, from 37 to 42 weeks is considered “full term” and after 42 the baby would be considered “post term” or LATE).

I’m sure I’m not the first woman in the world to be absolutely terrified by the prospect of labor, but given that I probably have not much more than 2 full weeks left being blissfully “childless”, I cannot stop thinking about it. It isn’t like people saying “You must be so ready to have her out already!” or “You look so huge! You poor thing! I bet you can’t wait to have it be over!” is helping. No, actually I like her where she is, I don’t have to take time out of my day to feed her, change her or bathe her yet. She can just stay in forever. Plus when else am I ever going to get to experience her moving inside me again? I won’t, that is when. I like her where she is for several reasons, but by the same token I do want to meet her. She can just take her time is all.

I realize that once she is out I get to walk again and my waddle will fade into memory, and that I’ll be able to get out of bed, or a car or a chair without the need of someone to counterbalance me. I know that once she is born I’ll stop having so much heartburn, be able to sleep on my stomach fully again and not have to rush to the bathroom quite so often. And lastly, I’ll finally be able to move again because my feet won’t swell so much that they literally feel as if they will burst if I walk on them and my hips won’t feel like they need to be bound together in order to keep me from splitting apart.

Other than those things, I really love being pregnant though honestly, and people go through much, much worse in life than swollen ankles and waddling when they have some chronic diseases. Really, I am thankful it isn’t much worse and that it has a time limit and I think that considering that it didn’t get to this nearly unbearable stage until right now, about a month from my due date, that pregnancy is great. I don’t really want it to end at all.

Everything will change when my daughter arrives. I’ll be a slave to her every need 24 hours a day every day of the week for years. That is a little daunting, I mush admit. I’m not so sad to have to be needed that much, because I love to be needed and wanted and loved, the part I am afraid of is the stress (I get stressed over dumb things as it is, and far too often already) and the lack of sleep. I keep having to remind myself that that too, is a finite amount of time. She will eventually sleep through the night (even though I bet I’ll never be so lucky as to get 9.5 hours a night like I’m used to having until she hits her teenage years) and I’ll someday get sleep, yet the stress part of the equation will be ever present.

At least I’m lucky and have Mike. He has been the best dad-to-be ever. He is the most supportive, wonderful individual. I couldn’t have invented someone more loving, caring and sympathetic than Mike. I am so glad he is helping me and that he wants to be a dad. He’ll be the best father I could imagine for our little girl. I can’t get over how lucky I am to have him and for us to be having our little girl soon. He cannot wait to meet her and hold her, he tells me that all of the time. I adore our little family already. I love that Mike brags to total strangers that he is having a baby soon. I really can’t possibly imagine how I could have found a more perfect man to be with. God definitely made us for each other. (On that note, Mike is 9 months younger than me as if God made me and then decided I needed a mate and then made Mike! Plus we were born on the opposite sides of the US, me on the West Coast and Mike on the East Coast and yet we ended up somewhere in the middle and found one another. It is too perfect to be an accident, it was divine intervention for certain.)

Anyway, I’m looking forward to meeting the little “lump” (as we sometimes affectionately call her) soon, but I’m more than terrified by the idea of going through the pain to get there. I wish I could just skip the hard part and have her here with us minus hours of intense pain, suffering, heat and emotions. I feel that it is like being baptized by fire to become a mother, you have to go through the worst imaginable pain (so I’ve heard) and you come out on the other side with a darling little present who tortures you for several months while you recover from delivering them. How unfair!

Anyway, thank you for reading this and hopefully all goes well.

Pregnancy Updates and More

I needed to blog! So The whole pregnancy thing is going great, I couldn’t have found a more perfect man in the whole world to have a child with! Mike is so utterly supportive, he is better than I have ever dreamed the father of my child would be. He is so involved and loving. He takes care of me and talks to our little girl often. I feel so completely blessed to have him! Even when I’m afraid, he talks me through it and makes me feel like it will all be alright after all. He quite simply is the best! I loved him before, but man, this takes my love for him to astonishing new heights! He is so perfectly made for me!

On other baby-related subjects, I feel my little girl kick often. Sometimes it happens mostly at night, while other days she is awake and moving all day. But she usually isn’t active throughout a 24 hour period, she has her “down time” half of the day one way or the other. I love feeling her move around, and I’ve told several people how much I’ll miss her kicking me when she arrives. Mike wants to hold her and meet her already and so he won’t miss me being pregnant because he’ll get to participate. I’ll like that as well, but it is something about growing a new little half-you inside yourself that I’ll miss. Mike reminds me not to get too used to it because he can’t really keep me pregnant all of the time! Shucks, lol! My favorite part about her already is that she is half mine, and half Mike’s. She is our love in a tangible and real live form. I can’t get over that, and maybe I never will, but I think that is a good thing. We are excited to meet her! I'm 25 weeks along now so in 15 more weeks and we should meet her, if she is on time that is.

Naming our baby girl: Mike and I are keeping her name to ourselves when or if we decide upon it. We’ll tell everyone when she arrives, but not before. We are doing this to minimize peoples’ criticism of our choice. We love her name, but other people have opinions that probably won’t agree. Even with simple names like “Jane” there would be one person who wouldn’t like it because they once knew a Jane who was a jerk. I can basically guarantee you haven’t heard the names we like unless in a past life you lived in the 14th century in Ireland, Scotland or Wales (unless of course you are obsessed like me with obscure names from those countries). The point is, the names we like aren’t spelled phonetically, nor are they English-reader friendly, but they are unique for today and sound beautiful. We’ve agreed on 4 names with middle names that we like best. But we aren’t telling even our own families these, so don’t ask.

Last subject to do with babies: I have discovered that 5 of my friends, relatives and acquaintances are also pregnant! I’m so happy for you all! It must be in the water system or something! Even Mike’s sister Elisa is having a baby boy this year (he is due a month after mine and Mike’s baby)! It is really fun to know that so many of my friends are going through, went through or are about to go through what I am! It half sucks that the limelight isn’t totally on my pregnancy, but also it is a relief that it isn’t! I’m just happy to get to share this experience with so many girls! Tell me if there are some more pregnancies I am unaware of because I love the news!

Different subject: I don’t know what to do exactly about work, college and the new baby. I can’t really decide now anyway because I don’t know how I’ll feel when she gets here. I don’t know if I’ll deliver her without complications or via C-Section. I don’t know the recovery time I’ll need, etc. Everyone is different so I have to put some plans on hold. I do, however, have a few choices.

My choices are: A) return to school in the fall, don’t attempt to work but instead use my financial aid money and loans to keep me afloat while I try to keep up with school. B) I could skip the fall semester and try to go back to school later on if possible (not likely. If I’m out of school even a semester, I’ll get used to it and I’d have to have a full-time job, which would make me dependent upon the money. If I leave school it could be years or never before I return to college. If I didn’t have financial aid to return it would be even longer because I’d have to pay for college out of my own pocket. How could I afford to go to school again after a full-time job hopefully with benefits? School wouldn’t be practical nor plausible) or lastly C) I could get a full-time job (which I’ve already applied to one) with benefits and leave school for a prolonged period of time, possibly to never return. I am really tired of school. I sort of lean toward working full-time and not having any more blasted homework to have to think about after work. Work would be for work-related thoughts, home would be for family and fun. It is appealing! Three options, and I have no idea the best one!

Even with those options there are slight variations like timing. I could get a full-time job now, or in 6 months. I could quit school now (if a job offer arose) or not at all. Keep in mind that I will graduate with 2 Associate’s Degrees in May. Do I really need to keep this school thing up? What is the best choice? In reality, I’m letting God figure out the major stuff. He’ll open the doors to the path I should take, and it’ll be obvious what I should do when I see it. For now, I’m in the dark but soon I’ll be enlightened.