Loneliness: My Constant Companion

Ever since I was a tiny child I have yearned for a playmate (back then it took the form of wanting a twin, then it was desiring a boyfriend as soon as I knew boys existed). Then as I grew up the term "best friend" entered the equation. I remember that in every year of school I had one or two very close friends (starting in second grade an onward), but I was an extremely social child. This was due in major part because school forced us together and I had many extracurricular after school as well. And I had my very social mother who would introduce me to new playmates or adopt new mommy friends who had daughters my age. I don't remember being lonely as a child because I was in constant (and I do mean constant) contact with a friend. I recall coming home directly after school and calling preferred friend #1 and asking to go over, or them come to my house. If they couldn't play, I then proceeded down my list of friends until someone could. It was rare that I ever had no one to play with. I still prayed excessively for a little sister, and finally got one at age 7.5... and that age gap was too great to play with her (until very recently, because as adults age matters less).

I want to have a nerd herd so desperately (perhaps my desperation is the problem?), but it feels like such an impossible task. I see the articles about people who have at least one close friend live longer, and those without die younger. I see how important a support system is and it is an oppressive cloud hanging over my head. How does one go about looking for like-minded people? I cannot find who I’m looking for, and those I have found have left by and large. I feel abandoned (even though I know not one of them did it on purpose), it is my curse to find a friend, become close and then watch them depart to bigger and better things. I have even begun mentioning to my new friends my curse, and they then reassure me that they’re not going anywhere in the foreseeable future… and less than a year later they are gone. This is not only military members (who have taken two of my close friends far, far away), but regular teaching positions or other job opportunities elsewhere. It definitely is my anathema.

The very worst part is that I have found the ultimate friends, the ones where we “click” and are great matches… that hurts all the more when I’m alone, and makes me devalue friendships who I see more as “placeholders” until the “worthier” friendships come along. When you’ve had a taste of perfection, it is hard to be as satisfied with less. That makes me sound like a completely awful individual, but there it is. That is me. I’m a perfectionist in everything, friendships included. It is not a lack of people who like me, it is a lack of people I truly like and who click with me on that once thought unattainable level.

I have decided this is something I will be tormented with until I move away from here. There are zero opportunities here, for me or for my friends. We are bound for superior places! I just wish that they were all in the SAME superior place. I want to be able to see my friends frequently, like once a week!

It struck me in my counseling class, when we were counseling each other and we were to use a real issue, that I have been so utterly lonely. I guess looking back that I could not stand the loneliness. I do like to be alone and can find great enjoyment singularly, but it does not compare to the perpetual playmates I had as a child. I’ve grown accustomed to using several things to help me when I’m lonely, I turn to all sorts of distractions ranging from healthy: reading, videogames, internet articles; to more unhealthy: borderline obsessive Facebook stalking, eating too much, etc.

I think the major loneliness survival tool has been eating. I do not eat anything at all when severely depressed, but I overeat when I’m anxious or lonely… which I feel incessantly.  At least now that I have noticed this behavior I can ask myself if I am truly hungry or if it is something else. I always have heard of emotional eating, and that term didn’t fit me because I eat less when I’m happy (but I also share happiness, I like to go out and do things when I’m in a good mood), but being sad does not change how much I eat, only the change in presence of others makes me eat more, like when I’m understimulated and alone. It apparently is something I do when bored and lonely, something that I enjoy that passes the time (and not all that much time typically, that is why I over eat, to get more of that happy fulfilled feeling). I think now that I’m aware I can work on it, and notice the true reason I eat. But I still need to work on accepting that major friendships will be fleeting or hope I can take root somewhere someday where like-minded individuals live so I can be in semi-constant contact with them. 

Kindred Spirits

Do you ever see someone and instantly know you will hit it off? That this person and you have this amazing potential to become close friends? This has happened to me a few times, an instantaneous moment when I see someone new that I just have to meet. I find it a really neat thing when not only do I find this person I know I want to learn about but they also want to be my friend as well!

I have encountered these rare people a few times, and it is so odd how I know we will get along before I have actually spoke to them. People say not to judge a book by its cover, but I am remarkably good at it. I can usually tell if I will like you from my first impression of you, and even more than that, I can ussually tell if we could be great friends.

One regret I have is no knowing the appropriate way to bridge the gap and make the connection. I worry a lot about making a fool of myself or else construing the wrong message. How do you hide your borderline rabid excitement at meeting someone who is so like you? I have failed to master that as of yet, ha ha! I need to take a class on how to begin a friendship in this modern age so I won't embarrass myself.

On that subject, why isn't fervent pursuit of friendship desirable? I feel like it would be shunned and looked down upon to show my hand of how deeply I hope for a friend. Maybe it stems from how I see "fangirling" as being viewed. Being overtly immersed in something is seen as obsessive, and therefore my search for an equally devoted friend is a hard sell. It scares people off, or if would if they knew about it. I've become pretty good at hiding my admiration for my friends, until this post that is. Well let us hope you aren't going to run away now that the cat is out of the bag, ha ha!

Non-Bestfriend Zone

I have this track-record of having friends who I grow close to and would like to call them my "bestfriend" but there is this catch... they never seem to return the favor. I must have something about me that evermore places me in the "not bestfriend material" category. I do realize that the "ideal" friendship seen in movies where to women are super close, talk/test/see each other daily is not as prevalent as Hollywood would have you think. I still yearn deeply for it though, as I always have for as long as I can remember. From day one I have wanted someone who knows me, gets my humor, understands my moods, and has similar passions and want to put as much effort into the relationship as me. Silly, and probably never going to happen sadly.

Every time in the past 10 years that I get close to someone one of two things inevitably occurs: One, they either don't feel that way about me or they already have that one designated bestfriend or two, they move within 6 months of us getting close. I am not exaggerating, this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. I am the "Good Luck Chuck" of my friend-group. If you want to get out of Dodge be friends with this lady! I do have amazing friends who have moved far away, and I adore them, but they aren't here, and we talk even less with the distance, as much as that makes me sad and I do try to stay in contact. I realize that this is our 20s, it is just what happens after high school and college. People grow up, get a better job and move away. But seriously, everyone?!

I also understand "you can have more than one bestfriend" and yes, you can, but that would be hard to put all that effort into so many baskets. I suppose if you juggle, taking a friend at a time and rotating them, it could be done. But I still am left out of the nametag, I don't get the title even when I put in an inordinate amount of effort. I am all give, and many times my friends are all take. It is disheartening and discouraging.

So here is an open invitation, please be my bestie! I'm in sore need of one.