My world has changed significantly since I last wrote anything. To begin with chronologically, I did ask for a C-Section, and the doctor wanted to make sure I really thought about it and knew what I was getting into. He told me to think over the week and tell him my choice on Friday (I had to do another blood test and 24 hour urine test) which wasn’t quite a week between the two consecutive appointments.
I was adamant about the C-Section and the doctor didn’t argue, and Mike and I got to schedule it. Reasons for a C-Section were: I have Group B Streptococcus, and the risks of my daughter getting it when I was in labor wasn’t worth it to me even with the use of steroids (a C-Section all but eliminates the risk of infecting a baby). A C-Section also works for me because I could schedule it, and not be totally caught off guard by labor, which honestly terrified me. Another general reason I wanted a C-Section was because I just felt like it was the right thing to do, I felt at peace with the idea and I felt like for some reason a Caesarean Section would benefit my daughter for some reason (like if she had the cord around her neck and the doctors didn’t know it, or if she shifted to breach and they didn’t catch it in time, or if she weighed much more than I could handle delivering naturally, etc). And to me a C-Section wouldn’t make me less of a mother just because I didn’t labor for hours, and also I figured it would hurt more if anything than regular labor, yet it was the choice I preferred for years. I didn’t mind the pain for longer and I didn’t mind the risks, because the benefits of it far outweighed the risks in my eyes. A shallow minor reason I am going to admit to also is that my baby wouldn’t be all swollen, bruised and cone-headed if I had a C-Section and I figured that it would be nicer on the baby to not have to be squeezed in the birth canal for x amount of hours. Lastly I thought that I might avoid incontinence whether that would be permanent or temporary.
We had to schedule it in the larger building and we had to wait for a long time, but I felt confident about my decision and wasn’t scared to have my first major surgery. The part that did scare me was the IV! I also knew that there was a good chance that since there was no medical necessity in the doctor’s eyes to do a C-Section, that my insurance probably wouldn’t cover the surgery, and I still wanted it nonetheless. In fact, I still don’t know if my insurance will cover my elective C-Section. I also felt in my heart that it was the absolute right choice for us and that there would be some reason in the end that would justify my yearning for a surgical delivery. I was scheduled for Friday July 9th, 2010 for my daughter’s birthday. I was more nervous that I’d go into labor in the following week and not get to receive my C-Section than of the actual operation. In fact, I prayed more than daily that I wouldn’t go into labor until Friday morning if I had to labor at all. And no, in fact it wasn’t the fear of pain that worried me, like I mentioned before, I felt like a surgical delivery would hurt more and for a longer period of time. And my elective Caesarean wasn’t to prevent getting too big, or to prevent stretch marks (which, by the way, I have about a million of and I look like a zebra, but oh well! At least they’ll fade away eventually!) it wasn’t really a choice I made for shallow reasons, and I was (and still am) very pleased with my decision.
Well the week before my C-Section was grueling, I was so stressed and nervous that I’d go into labor. The 4th of July was on Sunday and I worried that the fireworks would set of labor somehow (and they didn’t, but I was still scared that they might). It was a wonderful 4th spent with Mike and my sister at Greenacres Park where we watched Smoke on the Water together. The show started exactly an hour late and was only 15 minutes long. Not exactly worth going to, but we’d wanted to. Samantha at least got the memory of going with us.
The Thursday before the operation was Mike’s 22nd birthday. We went out to eat at Furr’s Cafeteria with my mom and sister to celebrate both of their birthdays at once (my mom’s birthday was the 12th of July and we’ve all celebrated both together since Mike and I got together over two years ago, this is the third joint birthday celebration). It was nice, and it felt sort of like my “last meal” because I didn’t know when I’d get to go out to lunch or dinner again after the baby arrived.
The reason I was so terrified, was that my due date was that Saturday, the very next day after my scheduled C-Section so it was too close for comfort. I could’ve gone into labor at any moment, but my mom insisted that all of her children were breach and at least two weeks late and that it would probably we much the same for me.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Two Week Countdown to D-Day
Okay, it has been a while since I last talked about pretty much anything on my blog, so it is time for an update while I am still able to. I am now 38 weeks pregnant, which for those of you who are unaware of pregnancy timelines in weeks, it means I’m about ready to pop and my due date is in two weeks (but to be technical, from 37 to 42 weeks is considered “full term” and after 42 the baby would be considered “post term” or LATE).
I’m sure I’m not the first woman in the world to be absolutely terrified by the prospect of labor, but given that I probably have not much more than 2 full weeks left being blissfully “childless”, I cannot stop thinking about it. It isn’t like people saying “You must be so ready to have her out already!” or “You look so huge! You poor thing! I bet you can’t wait to have it be over!” is helping. No, actually I like her where she is, I don’t have to take time out of my day to feed her, change her or bathe her yet. She can just stay in forever. Plus when else am I ever going to get to experience her moving inside me again? I won’t, that is when. I like her where she is for several reasons, but by the same token I do want to meet her. She can just take her time is all.
I realize that once she is out I get to walk again and my waddle will fade into memory, and that I’ll be able to get out of bed, or a car or a chair without the need of someone to counterbalance me. I know that once she is born I’ll stop having so much heartburn, be able to sleep on my stomach fully again and not have to rush to the bathroom quite so often. And lastly, I’ll finally be able to move again because my feet won’t swell so much that they literally feel as if they will burst if I walk on them and my hips won’t feel like they need to be bound together in order to keep me from splitting apart.
Other than those things, I really love being pregnant though honestly, and people go through much, much worse in life than swollen ankles and waddling when they have some chronic diseases. Really, I am thankful it isn’t much worse and that it has a time limit and I think that considering that it didn’t get to this nearly unbearable stage until right now, about a month from my due date, that pregnancy is great. I don’t really want it to end at all.
Everything will change when my daughter arrives. I’ll be a slave to her every need 24 hours a day every day of the week for years. That is a little daunting, I mush admit. I’m not so sad to have to be needed that much, because I love to be needed and wanted and loved, the part I am afraid of is the stress (I get stressed over dumb things as it is, and far too often already) and the lack of sleep. I keep having to remind myself that that too, is a finite amount of time. She will eventually sleep through the night (even though I bet I’ll never be so lucky as to get 9.5 hours a night like I’m used to having until she hits her teenage years) and I’ll someday get sleep, yet the stress part of the equation will be ever present.
At least I’m lucky and have Mike. He has been the best dad-to-be ever. He is the most supportive, wonderful individual. I couldn’t have invented someone more loving, caring and sympathetic than Mike. I am so glad he is helping me and that he wants to be a dad. He’ll be the best father I could imagine for our little girl. I can’t get over how lucky I am to have him and for us to be having our little girl soon. He cannot wait to meet her and hold her, he tells me that all of the time. I adore our little family already. I love that Mike brags to total strangers that he is having a baby soon. I really can’t possibly imagine how I could have found a more perfect man to be with. God definitely made us for each other. (On that note, Mike is 9 months younger than me as if God made me and then decided I needed a mate and then made Mike! Plus we were born on the opposite sides of the US, me on the West Coast and Mike on the East Coast and yet we ended up somewhere in the middle and found one another. It is too perfect to be an accident, it was divine intervention for certain.)
Anyway, I’m looking forward to meeting the little “lump” (as we sometimes affectionately call her) soon, but I’m more than terrified by the idea of going through the pain to get there. I wish I could just skip the hard part and have her here with us minus hours of intense pain, suffering, heat and emotions. I feel that it is like being baptized by fire to become a mother, you have to go through the worst imaginable pain (so I’ve heard) and you come out on the other side with a darling little present who tortures you for several months while you recover from delivering them. How unfair!
Anyway, thank you for reading this and hopefully all goes well.
I’m sure I’m not the first woman in the world to be absolutely terrified by the prospect of labor, but given that I probably have not much more than 2 full weeks left being blissfully “childless”, I cannot stop thinking about it. It isn’t like people saying “You must be so ready to have her out already!” or “You look so huge! You poor thing! I bet you can’t wait to have it be over!” is helping. No, actually I like her where she is, I don’t have to take time out of my day to feed her, change her or bathe her yet. She can just stay in forever. Plus when else am I ever going to get to experience her moving inside me again? I won’t, that is when. I like her where she is for several reasons, but by the same token I do want to meet her. She can just take her time is all.
I realize that once she is out I get to walk again and my waddle will fade into memory, and that I’ll be able to get out of bed, or a car or a chair without the need of someone to counterbalance me. I know that once she is born I’ll stop having so much heartburn, be able to sleep on my stomach fully again and not have to rush to the bathroom quite so often. And lastly, I’ll finally be able to move again because my feet won’t swell so much that they literally feel as if they will burst if I walk on them and my hips won’t feel like they need to be bound together in order to keep me from splitting apart.
Other than those things, I really love being pregnant though honestly, and people go through much, much worse in life than swollen ankles and waddling when they have some chronic diseases. Really, I am thankful it isn’t much worse and that it has a time limit and I think that considering that it didn’t get to this nearly unbearable stage until right now, about a month from my due date, that pregnancy is great. I don’t really want it to end at all.
Everything will change when my daughter arrives. I’ll be a slave to her every need 24 hours a day every day of the week for years. That is a little daunting, I mush admit. I’m not so sad to have to be needed that much, because I love to be needed and wanted and loved, the part I am afraid of is the stress (I get stressed over dumb things as it is, and far too often already) and the lack of sleep. I keep having to remind myself that that too, is a finite amount of time. She will eventually sleep through the night (even though I bet I’ll never be so lucky as to get 9.5 hours a night like I’m used to having until she hits her teenage years) and I’ll someday get sleep, yet the stress part of the equation will be ever present.
At least I’m lucky and have Mike. He has been the best dad-to-be ever. He is the most supportive, wonderful individual. I couldn’t have invented someone more loving, caring and sympathetic than Mike. I am so glad he is helping me and that he wants to be a dad. He’ll be the best father I could imagine for our little girl. I can’t get over how lucky I am to have him and for us to be having our little girl soon. He cannot wait to meet her and hold her, he tells me that all of the time. I adore our little family already. I love that Mike brags to total strangers that he is having a baby soon. I really can’t possibly imagine how I could have found a more perfect man to be with. God definitely made us for each other. (On that note, Mike is 9 months younger than me as if God made me and then decided I needed a mate and then made Mike! Plus we were born on the opposite sides of the US, me on the West Coast and Mike on the East Coast and yet we ended up somewhere in the middle and found one another. It is too perfect to be an accident, it was divine intervention for certain.)
Anyway, I’m looking forward to meeting the little “lump” (as we sometimes affectionately call her) soon, but I’m more than terrified by the idea of going through the pain to get there. I wish I could just skip the hard part and have her here with us minus hours of intense pain, suffering, heat and emotions. I feel that it is like being baptized by fire to become a mother, you have to go through the worst imaginable pain (so I’ve heard) and you come out on the other side with a darling little present who tortures you for several months while you recover from delivering them. How unfair!
Anyway, thank you for reading this and hopefully all goes well.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Pregnancy Updates and More
I needed to blog! So The whole pregnancy thing is going great, I couldn’t have found a more perfect man in the whole world to have a child with! Mike is so utterly supportive, he is better than I have ever dreamed the father of my child would be. He is so involved and loving. He takes care of me and talks to our little girl often. I feel so completely blessed to have him! Even when I’m afraid, he talks me through it and makes me feel like it will all be alright after all. He quite simply is the best! I loved him before, but man, this takes my love for him to astonishing new heights! He is so perfectly made for me!
On other baby-related subjects, I feel my little girl kick often. Sometimes it happens mostly at night, while other days she is awake and moving all day. But she usually isn’t active throughout a 24 hour period, she has her “down time” half of the day one way or the other. I love feeling her move around, and I’ve told several people how much I’ll miss her kicking me when she arrives. Mike wants to hold her and meet her already and so he won’t miss me being pregnant because he’ll get to participate. I’ll like that as well, but it is something about growing a new little half-you inside yourself that I’ll miss. Mike reminds me not to get too used to it because he can’t really keep me pregnant all of the time! Shucks, lol! My favorite part about her already is that she is half mine, and half Mike’s. She is our love in a tangible and real live form. I can’t get over that, and maybe I never will, but I think that is a good thing. We are excited to meet her! I'm 25 weeks along now so in 15 more weeks and we should meet her, if she is on time that is.
Naming our baby girl: Mike and I are keeping her name to ourselves when or if we decide upon it. We’ll tell everyone when she arrives, but not before. We are doing this to minimize peoples’ criticism of our choice. We love her name, but other people have opinions that probably won’t agree. Even with simple names like “Jane” there would be one person who wouldn’t like it because they once knew a Jane who was a jerk. I can basically guarantee you haven’t heard the names we like unless in a past life you lived in the 14th century in Ireland, Scotland or Wales (unless of course you are obsessed like me with obscure names from those countries). The point is, the names we like aren’t spelled phonetically, nor are they English-reader friendly, but they are unique for today and sound beautiful. We’ve agreed on 4 names with middle names that we like best. But we aren’t telling even our own families these, so don’t ask.
Last subject to do with babies: I have discovered that 5 of my friends, relatives and acquaintances are also pregnant! I’m so happy for you all! It must be in the water system or something! Even Mike’s sister Elisa is having a baby boy this year (he is due a month after mine and Mike’s baby)! It is really fun to know that so many of my friends are going through, went through or are about to go through what I am! It half sucks that the limelight isn’t totally on my pregnancy, but also it is a relief that it isn’t! I’m just happy to get to share this experience with so many girls! Tell me if there are some more pregnancies I am unaware of because I love the news!
Different subject: I don’t know what to do exactly about work, college and the new baby. I can’t really decide now anyway because I don’t know how I’ll feel when she gets here. I don’t know if I’ll deliver her without complications or via C-Section. I don’t know the recovery time I’ll need, etc. Everyone is different so I have to put some plans on hold. I do, however, have a few choices.
My choices are: A) return to school in the fall, don’t attempt to work but instead use my financial aid money and loans to keep me afloat while I try to keep up with school. B) I could skip the fall semester and try to go back to school later on if possible (not likely. If I’m out of school even a semester, I’ll get used to it and I’d have to have a full-time job, which would make me dependent upon the money. If I leave school it could be years or never before I return to college. If I didn’t have financial aid to return it would be even longer because I’d have to pay for college out of my own pocket. How could I afford to go to school again after a full-time job hopefully with benefits? School wouldn’t be practical nor plausible) or lastly C) I could get a full-time job (which I’ve already applied to one) with benefits and leave school for a prolonged period of time, possibly to never return. I am really tired of school. I sort of lean toward working full-time and not having any more blasted homework to have to think about after work. Work would be for work-related thoughts, home would be for family and fun. It is appealing! Three options, and I have no idea the best one!
Even with those options there are slight variations like timing. I could get a full-time job now, or in 6 months. I could quit school now (if a job offer arose) or not at all. Keep in mind that I will graduate with 2 Associate’s Degrees in May. Do I really need to keep this school thing up? What is the best choice? In reality, I’m letting God figure out the major stuff. He’ll open the doors to the path I should take, and it’ll be obvious what I should do when I see it. For now, I’m in the dark but soon I’ll be enlightened.
On other baby-related subjects, I feel my little girl kick often. Sometimes it happens mostly at night, while other days she is awake and moving all day. But she usually isn’t active throughout a 24 hour period, she has her “down time” half of the day one way or the other. I love feeling her move around, and I’ve told several people how much I’ll miss her kicking me when she arrives. Mike wants to hold her and meet her already and so he won’t miss me being pregnant because he’ll get to participate. I’ll like that as well, but it is something about growing a new little half-you inside yourself that I’ll miss. Mike reminds me not to get too used to it because he can’t really keep me pregnant all of the time! Shucks, lol! My favorite part about her already is that she is half mine, and half Mike’s. She is our love in a tangible and real live form. I can’t get over that, and maybe I never will, but I think that is a good thing. We are excited to meet her! I'm 25 weeks along now so in 15 more weeks and we should meet her, if she is on time that is.
Naming our baby girl: Mike and I are keeping her name to ourselves when or if we decide upon it. We’ll tell everyone when she arrives, but not before. We are doing this to minimize peoples’ criticism of our choice. We love her name, but other people have opinions that probably won’t agree. Even with simple names like “Jane” there would be one person who wouldn’t like it because they once knew a Jane who was a jerk. I can basically guarantee you haven’t heard the names we like unless in a past life you lived in the 14th century in Ireland, Scotland or Wales (unless of course you are obsessed like me with obscure names from those countries). The point is, the names we like aren’t spelled phonetically, nor are they English-reader friendly, but they are unique for today and sound beautiful. We’ve agreed on 4 names with middle names that we like best. But we aren’t telling even our own families these, so don’t ask.
Last subject to do with babies: I have discovered that 5 of my friends, relatives and acquaintances are also pregnant! I’m so happy for you all! It must be in the water system or something! Even Mike’s sister Elisa is having a baby boy this year (he is due a month after mine and Mike’s baby)! It is really fun to know that so many of my friends are going through, went through or are about to go through what I am! It half sucks that the limelight isn’t totally on my pregnancy, but also it is a relief that it isn’t! I’m just happy to get to share this experience with so many girls! Tell me if there are some more pregnancies I am unaware of because I love the news!
Different subject: I don’t know what to do exactly about work, college and the new baby. I can’t really decide now anyway because I don’t know how I’ll feel when she gets here. I don’t know if I’ll deliver her without complications or via C-Section. I don’t know the recovery time I’ll need, etc. Everyone is different so I have to put some plans on hold. I do, however, have a few choices.
My choices are: A) return to school in the fall, don’t attempt to work but instead use my financial aid money and loans to keep me afloat while I try to keep up with school. B) I could skip the fall semester and try to go back to school later on if possible (not likely. If I’m out of school even a semester, I’ll get used to it and I’d have to have a full-time job, which would make me dependent upon the money. If I leave school it could be years or never before I return to college. If I didn’t have financial aid to return it would be even longer because I’d have to pay for college out of my own pocket. How could I afford to go to school again after a full-time job hopefully with benefits? School wouldn’t be practical nor plausible) or lastly C) I could get a full-time job (which I’ve already applied to one) with benefits and leave school for a prolonged period of time, possibly to never return. I am really tired of school. I sort of lean toward working full-time and not having any more blasted homework to have to think about after work. Work would be for work-related thoughts, home would be for family and fun. It is appealing! Three options, and I have no idea the best one!
Even with those options there are slight variations like timing. I could get a full-time job now, or in 6 months. I could quit school now (if a job offer arose) or not at all. Keep in mind that I will graduate with 2 Associate’s Degrees in May. Do I really need to keep this school thing up? What is the best choice? In reality, I’m letting God figure out the major stuff. He’ll open the doors to the path I should take, and it’ll be obvious what I should do when I see it. For now, I’m in the dark but soon I’ll be enlightened.
Pregnancy Updates and More
I needed to blog! So The whole pregnancy thing is going great, I couldn’t have found a more perfect man in the whole world to have a child with! Mike is so utterly supportive, he is better than I have ever dreamed the father of my child would be. He is so involved and loving. He takes care of me and talks to our little girl often. I feel so completely blessed to have him! Even when I’m afraid, he talks me through it and makes me feel like it will all be alright after all. He quite simply is the best! I loved him before, but man, this takes my love for him to astonishing new heights! He is so perfectly made for me!
On other baby-related subjects, I feel my little girl kick often. Sometimes it happens mostly at night, while other days she is awake and moving all day. But she usually isn’t active throughout a 24 hour period, she has her “down time” half of the day one way or the other. I love feeling her move around, and I’ve told several people how much I’ll miss her kicking me when she arrives. Mike wants to hold her and meet her already and so he won’t miss me being pregnant because he’ll get to participate. I’ll like that as well, but it is something about growing a new little half-you inside yourself that I’ll miss. Mike reminds me not to get too used to it because he can’t really keep me pregnant all of the time! Shucks, lol! My favorite part about her already is that she is half mine, and half Mike’s. She is our love in a tangible and real live form. I can’t get over that, and maybe I never will, but I think that is a good thing. We are excited to meet her! I'm 25 weeks so in 15 more weeks and we should meet her, if she is on time that is.
Naming our baby girl: Mike and I are keeping her name to ourselves when or if we decide upon it. We’ll tell everyone when she arrives, but not before. We are doing this to minimize peoples’ criticism of our choice. We love her name, but other people have opinions that probably won’t agree. Even with simple names like “Jane” there would be one person who wouldn’t like it because they once knew a Jane who was a jerk. I can basically guarantee you haven’t heard the names we like unless in a past life you lived in the 14th century in Ireland, Scotland or Wales (unless of course you are obsessed like me with obscure names from those countries). The point is, the names we like aren’t spelled phonetically, nor are they English-reader friendly, but they are unique for today and sound beautiful. We’ve agreed on 4 names with middle names that we like best. But we aren’t telling even our own families these, so don’t ask.
Last subject to do with babies: I have discovered that 5 of my friends, relatives and acquaintances are also pregnant! I’m so happy for you all! It must be in the water system or something! Even Mike’s sister Elisa is having a baby boy this year (he is due a month after mine and Mike’s baby)! It is really fun to know that so many of my friends are going through, went through or are about to go through what I am! It half sucks that the limelight isn’t totally on my pregnancy, but also it is a relief that it isn’t! I’m just happy to get to share this experience with so many girls! Tell me if there are some more pregnancies I am unaware of because I love the news!
Different subject: I don’t know what to do exactly about work, college and the new baby. I can’t really decide now anyway because I don’t know how I’ll feel when she gets here. I don’t know if I’ll deliver her without complications or via C-Section. I don’t know the recovery time I’ll need, etc. Everyone is different so I have to put some plans on hold. I do, however, have a few choices.
My choices are: A) return to school in the fall, don’t attempt to work but instead use my financial aid money and loans to keep me afloat while I try to keep up with school. B) I could skip the fall semester and try to go back to school later on if possible (not likely. If I’m out of school even a semester, I’ll get used to it and I’d have to have a full-time job, which would make me dependent upon the money. If I leave school it could be years or never before I return to college. If I didn’t have financial aid to return it would be even longer because I’d have to pay for college out of my own pocket. How could I afford to go to school again after a full-time job hopefully with benefits? School wouldn’t be practical nor plausible) or lastly C) I could get a full-time job (which I’ve already applied to one) with benefits and leave school for a prolonged period of time, possibly to never return. I am really tired of school. I sort of lean toward working full-time and not having any more blasted homework to have to think about after work. Work would be for work-related thoughts, home would be for family and fun. It is appealing! Three options, and I have no idea the best one!
Even with those options there are slight variations like timing. I could get a full-time job now, or in 6 months. I could quit school now (if a job offer arose) or not at all. Keep in mind that I will graduate with 2 Associate’s Degrees in May. Do I really need to keep this school thing up? What is the best choice? In reality, I’m letting God figure out the major stuff. He’ll open the doors to the path I should take, and it’ll be obvious what I should do when I see it. For now, I’m in the dark but soon I’ll be enlightened.
On other baby-related subjects, I feel my little girl kick often. Sometimes it happens mostly at night, while other days she is awake and moving all day. But she usually isn’t active throughout a 24 hour period, she has her “down time” half of the day one way or the other. I love feeling her move around, and I’ve told several people how much I’ll miss her kicking me when she arrives. Mike wants to hold her and meet her already and so he won’t miss me being pregnant because he’ll get to participate. I’ll like that as well, but it is something about growing a new little half-you inside yourself that I’ll miss. Mike reminds me not to get too used to it because he can’t really keep me pregnant all of the time! Shucks, lol! My favorite part about her already is that she is half mine, and half Mike’s. She is our love in a tangible and real live form. I can’t get over that, and maybe I never will, but I think that is a good thing. We are excited to meet her! I'm 25 weeks so in 15 more weeks and we should meet her, if she is on time that is.
Naming our baby girl: Mike and I are keeping her name to ourselves when or if we decide upon it. We’ll tell everyone when she arrives, but not before. We are doing this to minimize peoples’ criticism of our choice. We love her name, but other people have opinions that probably won’t agree. Even with simple names like “Jane” there would be one person who wouldn’t like it because they once knew a Jane who was a jerk. I can basically guarantee you haven’t heard the names we like unless in a past life you lived in the 14th century in Ireland, Scotland or Wales (unless of course you are obsessed like me with obscure names from those countries). The point is, the names we like aren’t spelled phonetically, nor are they English-reader friendly, but they are unique for today and sound beautiful. We’ve agreed on 4 names with middle names that we like best. But we aren’t telling even our own families these, so don’t ask.
Last subject to do with babies: I have discovered that 5 of my friends, relatives and acquaintances are also pregnant! I’m so happy for you all! It must be in the water system or something! Even Mike’s sister Elisa is having a baby boy this year (he is due a month after mine and Mike’s baby)! It is really fun to know that so many of my friends are going through, went through or are about to go through what I am! It half sucks that the limelight isn’t totally on my pregnancy, but also it is a relief that it isn’t! I’m just happy to get to share this experience with so many girls! Tell me if there are some more pregnancies I am unaware of because I love the news!
Different subject: I don’t know what to do exactly about work, college and the new baby. I can’t really decide now anyway because I don’t know how I’ll feel when she gets here. I don’t know if I’ll deliver her without complications or via C-Section. I don’t know the recovery time I’ll need, etc. Everyone is different so I have to put some plans on hold. I do, however, have a few choices.
My choices are: A) return to school in the fall, don’t attempt to work but instead use my financial aid money and loans to keep me afloat while I try to keep up with school. B) I could skip the fall semester and try to go back to school later on if possible (not likely. If I’m out of school even a semester, I’ll get used to it and I’d have to have a full-time job, which would make me dependent upon the money. If I leave school it could be years or never before I return to college. If I didn’t have financial aid to return it would be even longer because I’d have to pay for college out of my own pocket. How could I afford to go to school again after a full-time job hopefully with benefits? School wouldn’t be practical nor plausible) or lastly C) I could get a full-time job (which I’ve already applied to one) with benefits and leave school for a prolonged period of time, possibly to never return. I am really tired of school. I sort of lean toward working full-time and not having any more blasted homework to have to think about after work. Work would be for work-related thoughts, home would be for family and fun. It is appealing! Three options, and I have no idea the best one!
Even with those options there are slight variations like timing. I could get a full-time job now, or in 6 months. I could quit school now (if a job offer arose) or not at all. Keep in mind that I will graduate with 2 Associate’s Degrees in May. Do I really need to keep this school thing up? What is the best choice? In reality, I’m letting God figure out the major stuff. He’ll open the doors to the path I should take, and it’ll be obvious what I should do when I see it. For now, I’m in the dark but soon I’ll be enlightened.
Pregnancy Updates and More
I needed to blog! So The whole pregnancy thing is going great, I couldn’t have found a more perfect man in the whole world to have a child with! Mike is so utterly supportive, he is better than I have ever dreamed the father of my child would be. He is so involved and loving. He takes care of me and talks to our little girl often. I feel so completely blessed to have him! Even when I’m afraid, he talks me through it and makes me feel like it will all be alright after all. He quite simply is the best! I loved him before, but man, this takes my love for him to astonishing new heights! He is so perfectly made for me!
On other baby-related subjects, I feel my little girl kick often. Sometimes it happens mostly at night, while other days she is awake and moving all day. But she usually isn’t active throughout a 24 hour period, she has her “down time” half of the day one way or the other. I love feeling her move around, and I’ve told several people how much I’ll miss her kicking me when she arrives. Mike wants to hold her and meet her already and so he won’t miss me being pregnant because he’ll get to participate. I’ll like that as well, but it is something about growing a new little half-you inside yourself that I’ll miss. Mike reminds me not to get too used to it because he can’t really keep me pregnant all of the time! Shucks, lol! My favorite part about her already is that she is half mine, and half Mike’s. She is our love in a tangible and real live form. I can’t get over that, and maybe I never will, but I think that is a good thing. We are excited to meet her! 15 more weeks and we should meet her, if she is on time that is.
Naming our baby girl: Mike and I are keeping her name to ourselves when or if we decide upon it. We’ll tell everyone when she arrives, but not before. We are doing this to minimize peoples’ criticism of our choice. We love her name, but other people have opinions that probably won’t agree. Even with simple names like “Jane” there would be one person who wouldn’t like it because they once knew a Jane who was a jerk. I can basically guarantee you haven’t heard the names we like unless in a past life you lived in the 14th century in Ireland, Scotland or Wales (unless of course you are obsessed like me with obscure names from those countries). The point is, the names we like aren’t spelled phonetically, nor are they English-reader friendly, but they are unique for today and sound beautiful. We’ve agreed on 4 names with middle names that we like best. But we aren’t telling even our own families these, so don’t ask.
Last subject to do with babies: I have discovered that 5 of my friends, relatives and acquaintances are also pregnant! I’m so happy for you all! It must be in the water system or something! Even Mike’s sister Elisa is having a baby boy this year (he is due a month after mine and Mike’s baby)! It is really fun to know that so many of my friends are going through, went through or are about to go through what I am! It half sucks that the limelight isn’t totally on my pregnancy, but also it is a relief that it isn’t! I’m just happy to get to share this experience with so many girls! Tell me if there are some more pregnancies I am unaware of because I love the news!
Different subject: I don’t know what to do exactly about work, college and the new baby. I can’t really decide now anyway because I don’t know how I’ll feel when she gets here. I don’t know if I’ll deliver her without complications or via C-Section. I don’t know the recovery time I’ll need, etc. Everyone is different so I have to put some plans on hold. I do, however, have a few choices.
My choices are: A) return to school in the fall, don’t attempt to work but instead use my financial aid money and loans to keep me afloat while I try to keep up with school. B) I could skip the fall semester and try to go back to school later on if possible (not likely. If I’m out of school even a semester, I’ll get used to it and I’d have to have a full-time job, which would make me dependent upon the money. If I leave school it could be years or never before I return to college. If I didn’t have financial aid to return it would be even longer because I’d have to pay for college out of my own pocket. How could I afford to go to school again after a full-time job hopefully with benefits? School wouldn’t be practical nor plausible) or lastly C) I could get a full-time job (which I’ve already applied to one) with benefits and leave school for a prolonged period of time, possibly to never return. I am really tired of school. I sort of lean toward working full-time and not having any more blasted homework to have to think about after work. Work would be for work-related thoughts, home would be for family and fun. It is appealing! Three options, and I have no idea the best one!
Even with those options there are slight variations like timing. I could get a full-time job now, or in 6 months. I could quit school now (if a job offer arose) or not at all. Keep in mind that I will graduate with 2 Associate’s Degrees in May. Do I really need to keep this school thing up? What is the best choice? In reality, I’m letting God figure out the major stuff. He’ll open the doors to the path I should take, and it’ll be obvious what I should do when I see it. For now, I’m in the dark but soon I’ll be enlightened.
On other baby-related subjects, I feel my little girl kick often. Sometimes it happens mostly at night, while other days she is awake and moving all day. But she usually isn’t active throughout a 24 hour period, she has her “down time” half of the day one way or the other. I love feeling her move around, and I’ve told several people how much I’ll miss her kicking me when she arrives. Mike wants to hold her and meet her already and so he won’t miss me being pregnant because he’ll get to participate. I’ll like that as well, but it is something about growing a new little half-you inside yourself that I’ll miss. Mike reminds me not to get too used to it because he can’t really keep me pregnant all of the time! Shucks, lol! My favorite part about her already is that she is half mine, and half Mike’s. She is our love in a tangible and real live form. I can’t get over that, and maybe I never will, but I think that is a good thing. We are excited to meet her! 15 more weeks and we should meet her, if she is on time that is.
Naming our baby girl: Mike and I are keeping her name to ourselves when or if we decide upon it. We’ll tell everyone when she arrives, but not before. We are doing this to minimize peoples’ criticism of our choice. We love her name, but other people have opinions that probably won’t agree. Even with simple names like “Jane” there would be one person who wouldn’t like it because they once knew a Jane who was a jerk. I can basically guarantee you haven’t heard the names we like unless in a past life you lived in the 14th century in Ireland, Scotland or Wales (unless of course you are obsessed like me with obscure names from those countries). The point is, the names we like aren’t spelled phonetically, nor are they English-reader friendly, but they are unique for today and sound beautiful. We’ve agreed on 4 names with middle names that we like best. But we aren’t telling even our own families these, so don’t ask.
Last subject to do with babies: I have discovered that 5 of my friends, relatives and acquaintances are also pregnant! I’m so happy for you all! It must be in the water system or something! Even Mike’s sister Elisa is having a baby boy this year (he is due a month after mine and Mike’s baby)! It is really fun to know that so many of my friends are going through, went through or are about to go through what I am! It half sucks that the limelight isn’t totally on my pregnancy, but also it is a relief that it isn’t! I’m just happy to get to share this experience with so many girls! Tell me if there are some more pregnancies I am unaware of because I love the news!
Different subject: I don’t know what to do exactly about work, college and the new baby. I can’t really decide now anyway because I don’t know how I’ll feel when she gets here. I don’t know if I’ll deliver her without complications or via C-Section. I don’t know the recovery time I’ll need, etc. Everyone is different so I have to put some plans on hold. I do, however, have a few choices.
My choices are: A) return to school in the fall, don’t attempt to work but instead use my financial aid money and loans to keep me afloat while I try to keep up with school. B) I could skip the fall semester and try to go back to school later on if possible (not likely. If I’m out of school even a semester, I’ll get used to it and I’d have to have a full-time job, which would make me dependent upon the money. If I leave school it could be years or never before I return to college. If I didn’t have financial aid to return it would be even longer because I’d have to pay for college out of my own pocket. How could I afford to go to school again after a full-time job hopefully with benefits? School wouldn’t be practical nor plausible) or lastly C) I could get a full-time job (which I’ve already applied to one) with benefits and leave school for a prolonged period of time, possibly to never return. I am really tired of school. I sort of lean toward working full-time and not having any more blasted homework to have to think about after work. Work would be for work-related thoughts, home would be for family and fun. It is appealing! Three options, and I have no idea the best one!
Even with those options there are slight variations like timing. I could get a full-time job now, or in 6 months. I could quit school now (if a job offer arose) or not at all. Keep in mind that I will graduate with 2 Associate’s Degrees in May. Do I really need to keep this school thing up? What is the best choice? In reality, I’m letting God figure out the major stuff. He’ll open the doors to the path I should take, and it’ll be obvious what I should do when I see it. For now, I’m in the dark but soon I’ll be enlightened.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Expecting!
I had wanted to do my blogging yesterday because it would be the 2nd anniversary of Mike and I meeting up at my “Star Wars” Marathon. If Mike hadn’t a) seen me walk past Tarpley’s sometime in late January/early February 2008 b) found me on MySpace c) responded to my silly bulletin of “Will you be my Valentine?” and then finally d) responded to my bulletins advertising an invitation to anyone for my “Star Wars” Marathon on March 1st, 2008 and then actually showing up then we very well wouldn’t be together now! It is funny how chain of events work, and I love to think that it all began around 2 years ago! Mike and I might not be expecting this little girl right now and life would definitely not be as perfect as I feel it is now. So little one, thank the internet, daddy’s eyes and my timing, as well as a series called “Star Wars” for you being alive right now!
(By the way the baby isn’t moving around much anymore, she is a fairly still child even now. She hasn’t kept me up except once. She plays games with me and Mike now already, she will kick if she is being left alone, but if you touch my stomach even lightly, she knows and will be totally still. She will resume kicking me if and when the hand is removed! She doesn’t like us to feel her, or she feels cramped by the warmth and darkness of my or Mike’s hand. Silly little girl! We don’t even press hard, or when we do press firmly, it is still the same, she reacts to the less space and stops moving around instead of trying to get us to move. I wonder how she’ll be when she is born? Quiet and still like she is now? Loud and hyper active? Calm and peaceful? I just hope she is obedient and calm, with an understanding that no means no. I bet if she is really actually playing games with us by her non-movement now that she’ll be playful as well.)
Mike and I have talked about how happy we are to be with one another a lot lately. Mike says he wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else. I told him that I always pictured having a baby with someone I love and who wants to be involved with me and the baby every step of the way (And Mike has been there, the whole time he has. Even when things were rocky he was still there, he has been to every appointment I've had for our baby and he has been such a rock for me to cling to) I told him recently that I used to think that I could handle being pregnant and being a single mom on my own, but once I really was pregnant that I discovered that I don’t think I really could. I need Mike’s support, and it is very different than other peoples’ support. I told him how much I appreciate it and he told me he has to be there, and he wants to be and that he isn’t leaving me or our little girl. I felt like crying because I hope it is true, and it sounds so utterly wonderful.
(By the way the baby isn’t moving around much anymore, she is a fairly still child even now. She hasn’t kept me up except once. She plays games with me and Mike now already, she will kick if she is being left alone, but if you touch my stomach even lightly, she knows and will be totally still. She will resume kicking me if and when the hand is removed! She doesn’t like us to feel her, or she feels cramped by the warmth and darkness of my or Mike’s hand. Silly little girl! We don’t even press hard, or when we do press firmly, it is still the same, she reacts to the less space and stops moving around instead of trying to get us to move. I wonder how she’ll be when she is born? Quiet and still like she is now? Loud and hyper active? Calm and peaceful? I just hope she is obedient and calm, with an understanding that no means no. I bet if she is really actually playing games with us by her non-movement now that she’ll be playful as well.)
Mike and I have talked about how happy we are to be with one another a lot lately. Mike says he wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else. I told him that I always pictured having a baby with someone I love and who wants to be involved with me and the baby every step of the way (And Mike has been there, the whole time he has. Even when things were rocky he was still there, he has been to every appointment I've had for our baby and he has been such a rock for me to cling to) I told him recently that I used to think that I could handle being pregnant and being a single mom on my own, but once I really was pregnant that I discovered that I don’t think I really could. I need Mike’s support, and it is very different than other peoples’ support. I told him how much I appreciate it and he told me he has to be there, and he wants to be and that he isn’t leaving me or our little girl. I felt like crying because I hope it is true, and it sounds so utterly wonderful.
So as of today I am 21 weeks along, we found out last Wednesday that we are indeed having a little baby girl come July. She is due July 10th (right smack-dab in between the 8th which is Mike's birthday and the 12th which is my mom's birthday). Mike and I both really wanted a little girl, he has told me since we found out that almost all of his friends and family were to some degree surprised that he wanted a girl as well. But we just have wanted a girl first, ever since we began talking about kids a while back. We are happy God has granted us a girl and everything is good with us and with her so far. It feels like a dream to me sometimes, I feel just so incredibly blessed to have Mike by my side and to be getting my little daughter now. My dreams are coming true it seems, and I feel so lucky and blessed! Maybe I'll write more later, but that is all for now! Thanks for taking the time to read this update!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Loving Life (Most of the Time)
I am trying really hard to put a happy spin on everything that I am going through. I actually feel blissfully happy sometimes in all honesty but there are times, usually when I have less to do to keep me busy, when I succumb to the sadness. I feel sad sometimes because I miss having the one person I could tell anything to, I miss having someone there who could make me smile even when no one else can. I miss having someone to turn to on days like today when I am just horridly bored and in a semi-depressed mood who I could call and just talk to. I miss the best-friendship of what I had a month ago. I miss just hanging out and playing videogames with someone. I miss having a friend that is always there for me and who wanted to see me, who sought out my company. I just miss those things.
I am in no way looking to jump into a rebound relationship. Nope, not this time. Not saying I am not dating casually if someone were to ask, but it isn’t my focus. I am letting God bring the people I need in my life to me, and I am keeping an open heart. I just really need a friend who wants me around and can sympathize with what I am going through. I need a friend who likes to do things I like to do. I liked having someone to turn to that I felt would always be there, and now I feel like I am doing stunts without the safety net. I miss the feeling of knowing that someone wasn’t going to let me down this time (even though I did get let down). It just sucks.
On happier notes, I have found some new friends and some old friends who I have reconnected with. They make me really happy, so happy in fact that I find myself smiling for no reason at all when I get to be with any one of them. This is what I need. I am so glad I have it, even if I don’t get it all of the time. Maybe in time these friends will be my new best friends who actually want me around. I just have the “woe-is-me” attitude that makes me sometimes feel like no one wants me around because I sometimes go weeks without talking to any given person. Maybe it is my fault though, but at times I feel unlovable.
Back on subject, I love my church friends! I’ve missed good clean fun, and I didn’t even realize it until recently! I love that last night I was invited to a spur-of-the-moment “going to the movies” with friends. I can’t even tell you when someone last invited me spur-of-the-moment to anything! It was a very welcome pleasant surprise! I was just being bored at home when I got a call and instantly had plans! I loved being thought of, I feel like it has been a while since people thought of me to invite me to something. I liked it, and I hope I can be someone people want around again some time soon. It is nice to be single for that, because I didn’t have plans I got to do some pretty awesome things that last few days. All I can do is thank God for it, he brought my life to this point and is helping me get back on my feet.
Also I had plans spur-of-the-moment on Sunday too. I met a new person, and had more fun doing nothing much than I’ve had in ages. Then on Monday I had plans with the Young Single Adult group from my church and that was fun too, even though we all didn’t quite do anything, it was nice to get out of my house and socialize.
See? I told you I’ve been happy, but today after all the fun, normal life seems dull. And too much time to think about things I’ve been avoiding make me feel down. *sigh* Whoo, I feel better now, I needed to update my blog and I needed to get some of that out. The point of this: Call me, if you are at all bored, need a good listener or just want to hang out because there is a good chance that I really would love to spend time with you!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
A New Beginning and a Bittersweet End
Long and short of it: I am single again. I didn't really feel like broadcasting it though. It is a long story, but the jist is Mike just didn't want a commitment right now. He wanted a "break" but he told me he wouldn't promise me that we'd ever get back together. He also said that he doesn’t want to date anyone at all, just be free pretty much. He them promised we'd be friends, as in really friends and hang out, but then said it was "too soon". I don't want to date someone who doesn't want me anyway. I hope that someday we really can be friends, but right now he cannot handle it for whatever reason. We still care for one another, there wasn't anything wrong and it isn't some messy thing.
Don’t ask how I am doing, I am totally fine I assure you. Really and truly, I am happy and not sitting around moping. I’ve met some new friends at church! I am really thrilled about them, I missed being part of a group and having people around me that aren’t so worldly. I missed God a lot too, I’ve been slacking in that department for a while now and I discovered that the only way I am ever going to get what I want and be totally happy is to fall in love with God and let him take my worries and cares. Ever since then I’ve felt alive again. I am not waiting around like a pathetic puppy, I am living and making new friends. I am so blessed! If I didn’t have God and the gospel in my life I would be such a mess right now, but I know that everything I want I’ll receive as long as I put God first. I can achieve my wildest dreams and I don’t have to compromise! It is such a wonderful revelation and feeling.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Adulthood And The Fears That Come With It
I just wanted to blog about my life right now, and for once it isn't at all about Mike (but in case you wondered, we are doing great). I am totally and utterly in a state of not knowing what I want out of life. I don't know what I want to major in, and I don't even have the tiniest of inklings as to what career might fit me. I am at a loss. Also, the more I think about it I am so very glad that I am not married right now, and that I don't have kids. No offense to all my wonderful friends who are married mothers, it just is such a relief to be young. I like sleeping all day and not having the responsibility of getting up for a crying child. Also, I can't afford to be married right now, I am barely (and by that I do mean barely) making the monthly bills that I have with the job I have now. I am thankful I don't have anyone besides myself to look after. It is so much less stressful this way.
I know for a fact that if I moved out I'd be totally responsible for my car (I pay half of the monthly payment now and my mom pays the other half. What sucks about that is the driving time isn't even close to equal, my mom drives 95% of the time and I never get the car to myself. Ever.) which financially I cannot handle without help or another job so in that way, living at home is a blessing. To top it off, when I do move out (some years and years in the future it seems), I have ot get insurance too, so yet another bill. For now I am less financially burdened and essentially still young.
I like being young right now, it is nice, so nice, to be able to enjoy things for myself and have less responsiblities. I only wish I could get my act together and figure out what I want. I know what I want out of some things, but school and career-wise I am still stuck. I feel the tide moving and I can tell that within a year I'll need to figure it all out. I'll need to transfer to a university and grow up some, and it is my choice as to how much I'll be an adult. I could move out of state and live on campus, which would let me live the college life before I settle down (personally I really love this idea, but some things are holding me back). Or I could go to ENMU which is the "safe" choice. My life wouldn't grow and I'd be still living the same life as I am now essentially. The only difference would be location. What it comes down to is fear, I am so afraid to grow up. I am afraid to leave home and be responsible for myself without anyone telling me what to do or when to do it. I like rules and I like (as well as hate) being taken care of by my family. I get babied and treated like a child in some cases and it is getting more annoying as time goes on and yet I must like it or I wouldn't tolerate it would I?
Then there is the potential to leave New Mexico in the next year. I would like the challenge of a new place and a new university but it tears me up to think about leaving my family (and I've heard half a dozen times "they'll be there when you get back". But I don't want to waste time away when life is so precious and you don't know how much time you are given with those you love!). It also scares the begesus out of me to be totally independent and have to fend for myself. I am afraid of having all those extra bills I mentioned and I am afraid of the "what ifs". Like what if I get sick? I have no insurance and how would I handle that with no one to depend on but myself? How would I pay medical bills? How could I have a job that demanded any more of me than the one I have currently (which honestly demands very, very little) and still be able to pass classes? About classes, what if the classes at a university are much more difficult than what I am used to? Can I handle all of that compounded or would I drop out?
It scares me to think of the downside to leaving. With all those negatives isn't it much easier to not grow up and keep things the same? The answer is "yes" it is much easier to be stagnant... So where does that leave me? Scared and alone or safe and bored to death?
In the same way that all the adult-type things scare me, marriage sort of does too because in essence, wouldn't getting married be the same as moving away from my family and being entirely independent save for a husband? It is generally the very same and it is similarly scary. If I have to grow up then (and I think I do) do I go for it or hold on to my youth as long as possible?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
A Major Decision
I’ve decided I love Mike. I already have been in love with him but I have just decided what that love means and to what lengths I am willing to go for him. I am going to wait and be patient. I am going to let him have his time to figure out what he wants and whether or not he wants to ever get married. But my patience is limited, I will wait until March 15th, 2011, which is precisely our three year anniversary. If I don’t have a ring on my finger by that day, either us being engaged or us being married I am leaving. I can’t wait for the rest of my life, and I won’t waste my youth when all I want is a husband who puts me first in everything and loves me and a kids. I am not going to sit around and hope Mike figures out if he wants me or marriage after that point, it will be hard enough for me to wait the remaining year and 8 months. I think dating three years is more than generous, especially when I feel like I am putting my life on hold for him. Any comments?
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